Synopsis:  The Enterprise crew finally meet the vicious, human-devouring Ferengi.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Read it if you dare, HU-mon!

Review:  For three episodes we heard about the scary new adversary the Federation had never met but had heard frightening rumors about.  And thanks to somebody, the Ferengi were fucked up so badly here that it took Armin Shimmerman several years to  get them back to respectability.  Despite their awful presentation, the first half of this show is actually pretty decent.  There is some genuine tension building, as it appears the Ferengi are powerful and are yet silently watching the Enterprise.  Sadly, this goes to hell once they beam down to the planet, as this group of Ferengi are whiny, wimpy, and are so awful at lying that it doesn’t matter that Troi can’t read their thoughts.  The moderately intriguing conversation Riker has with the guardian of an ancient civilization is wasted because of the Ferengi presence.

Sadly, the other thing this episode does is begin to show how pointless the character of Tasha Yar will be.  Essentially we have two “shoot first, ask questions later” security officers in Tasha and Worf, and Worf is easily the most interesting of the two (if only at this point because he’s Klingon and provides some comic relief).   I literally laughed out loud when Picard asks for suggestions and Worf says, “Hit ‘em fast and hit ‘em hard!”

Geordi is also an embarrassment in this episode, with his “WOO-WEE!” attitude on the bridge every time he gets turned on by an idea or an explosion.  Thankfully, Data manages to make the Chinese finger trap gag amusing.  This episode is so bad as it is that the finger trap bit feels mature in comparison.

Synopsis:  Since holodeck dating didn’t work, Geordi tries his hand at reading the intimate diaries of murder suspects.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Get your voyeurism fix

Review:   My word.  Not only do we have Geordi (in season six, no less) acting extremely unethical at every turn because a girl finally likes him, he is more or less absolved by all of his actions at the end because the real killer turns out to be the dog (since, of course, humans don’t murder anyone in the 24^th century).  But the real offense comes when the script ignores the fact that Aquiel’s actions following the murder (including evading arrest and destroying evidence) are still indefensible!  She should still get a court martial…and heck, Geordi should, too, for tampering with an investigation.  This episode’s moderately intelligent mystery just winds up being gross.

Synopsis: A bunch of men wave their dicks in hopes of buying a wormhole, and Troi falls in love with one of them.

Memory Alpha Summary: I’ll be your conscience.  Stay away.

Review:  This episode gives me the willies.  First, Ral is creepy to my non-Betazoid senses, and I find no part of him charming or attractive.  Thus, Troi falling for him weakens her character instead of strengthening it.  Then, Crusher tells Troi “Who needs rational when your toes curl!”  Okay, except the guy who’s curling her toes is a manipulative douchebag.  The one scene I love is the exchange between Ral and Riker.  Ral gets in a great dig at Riker being perpetually second in command, while Riker gets him back by challenging his ability to make a woman happy.

Did I mention the Ferengi are involved?  They don’t help things either.

Because I can’t help myself, I’ll introduce you all to a pet peeve of mine.  Picard refers to the wormhole as a “proverbial lemon.”  There is no proverb here.  It’s just a metaphor.

I’ll be off the grid for a couple days.  Happy Thanksgiving to all.  We’ll kick off the Top 160 next Monday.

Synopsis:  Tasha kicks the bucket.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Take some Metamucil first

Review:  Poor Tasha begins the episode by discussing a ship wide MMA tournament she is planning. Not only would this have been awesome for Denise Crosby (who bemoaned the lack of action she had for a security officer), it would have been awesome for us viewers as well.  I am guessing the inevitable Tasha vs. Worf championship showdown would have ended with Worf flat on his back (as usual) and Tasha winning despite displaying no apparent skill.

What we get instead is a black monster who is all things Cthulhu, only not scary.  Tasha gets one of the most anticlimactic death scenes in the history of television.  If we cared deeply for her, then such a death would be moving, and sincere.  But we don’t, so it’s not.  And then we find out she has a prepared holographic speech to give to all of her friends in case she died in the line of duty.  If Tasha’s character had any depth, it would be heart wrenching.  But she doesn’t, so it’s not.  In her speech we find out about all the deep friendships she had with everyone on the crew despite the viewers never seeing any evidence of them to this point.  She tells Data he looks at the world like a child does, which is essentially an epic smackdown of his sexual prowess.  The most telling statement she has is for Worf, saying they are “so much alike.”  Yup, that’s the first season for ya.

Synopsis:  Riker’s father wants to kiss and make up  (with him, not with Pulaski, whom he apparently kissed and “made up” with a long time ago). Meanwhile, Riker considers taking command of another ship just to get away from his anger.  Worf copes with his anger by engaging in masochism.

Memory Alpha Review:  Read it, or hit yourself with a painstik.  Same result.

Review:  In case you haven’t noticed, not a single episode featuring Wesley has made the countdown yet.  That changes today, though not because of him.

This episode tries desperately to provide emotional depth to two characters while completely forgetting to make it emotional.   Both Riker and Worf are supposed to be angry and resentful, but it never feels real.  Whether that’s the script or Roddenberry’s poor handling of any negative emotion is up for debate, but this is just really ham-handed.  The anger, the outbursts, the make-up sex (in adorable red and blue suits)…it all feels shallow.   A couple of great lines by O’Brien kept me from falling asleep and this episode from showing up last week.

Synopsis:  Twilight is to whale vomit as Sub Rosa is to…

Memory Alpha Summary:  For the love of all that is holy, don’t read two chapters.

Review:   Easily the most ridiculous episode in the entire series run, I can’t believe Gates McFadden was able to keep a straight face through it all.  The sad thing here is that her performance is actually pretty impressive given what she had to work with.  Having an orgasm with a ghost (while also realizing it’s going to be on prime time TV) cannot be easy.

I don’t hate this episode because it’s a Gothic romance novel.  I also don’t hate this episode because the sci-fi is essentially limited to the sexual slave master being able to travel along a power transfer beam.  I hate it because the characters say the stupidest things ever said in space.

First we get everyone talking about the  “Howard women” and how their green eyes go back 800 years.  We are even given the name of the first woman our slave master raped in the 17th century, and it’s Jessel Howard (and to any woman who thought this episode was romantic: you are endorsing rape and you don’t deserve to have sex ever again).  So we’re led to believe that Beverly was the first female in her entire family’s history that changed her last name when she got married.   I can force myself to ignore subtle plot holes but this one grates on me.

Second, everyone dances around the most obviously gross aspect of this story.  Beverly is essentially fucking her dead grandma’s booty call.  Troi admonishes Beverly, warning her that two people who share a trauma sometimes get together under false pretenses.  Yes, Troi, but you forget to mention to Beverly that this guy just regularly fucked her grandmother.  She even encourages Beverly to read more of her grandma’s erotic journal entries(!) so she can have wet dreams about her grandma’s boyfriend.  What.  The.  F?

Synopsis:  Alexander and Lwaxana?  Really?

Memory Alpha Summary:  Yes, you’re just supposed to sit here

Review:  Before we get to the episode itself, I have to say a couple of things.  First, I’m not intentionally picking on season five.  It truly was a great season.  But when an idea failed, it failed hard.  Second, I love Majel Barrett and even Lwaxana when she is written well (as she is in Deep Space Nine).  Obviously, not here.

Cost of Living is an incredibly poorly paced episode.   We are twenty minutes in before there’s any conflict (ship eating parasites).  By then, the conflict feels contrived and too easily solved.  It really does feel like the writers were thinking, “We need to add a sci-fi element here where everyone could die” and put something together in a few minutes.  The Enterprise nearly being destroyed should never be the B-plot of an episode.  However, even if it had been interesting, it couldn’t have saved us from a story about Alexander teaching Lwaxana that marrying someone she’s never met because she’s depressed is a bad idea.

The jokes are obvious and the crazy holodeck characters feel like one is at a children’s party with a bad clown (yeah, I know).  The only part that woke me up was Lwaxana coming to her senses and arriving at her wedding in the nude.  It was that scene alone that skyrocketed this episode from #166 to #165.

Hey, at least it won Emmys for costume-design and makeup.  Apparently garish was the prerequisite that year.

Synopsis:  Federation scientists develop a new method of space travel and decide that the alpha testing stage should risk the lives of billions of people.  And a couple lizards.

Memory Alpha Summary:  1/4 Human, 3/4 Annoying

Review:  So, this soliton wave experiment doesn’t work (surprise) and we learn it will destroy most of the planet it was aimed at (!).  I’m guessing the citizens of said planet did not sign a joint waiver releasing the scientists from liability, but perhaps that’s part of joining the Federation.   Back to the wave, the Enterprise needs to stop it by setting off an explosion in front it.  Since they don’t have time to go around it, they go through it, suffering some significant but not fatal damage.  Just so I understand, this wave does moderate damage to the Enterprise but will annihilate an entire planet?

Unfortunately this couldn’t be explained because Worf was too busy being a deadbeat dad.  In Alexander’s first significant episode, we learn he behaves quite well considering most kids going through what he has (murdered mother, absent father, grandparents who want to shuffle him off) would have reactive attachment disorder.  Yet Worf is ashamed of him.  But to save his bad parenting, the plot forces him to save his son’s life (and the aforementioned lizards); consequently, they both decide they want to be with each other for a while.

Damn.

Synopsis:  An Ullian decides to have his way with Riker, Beverly, and Troi.  But Troi was asking for it–she was showing off her psilosynines.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Come on, you know you want it

Review:  An entire episode dedicated to telepathic rape could have been great.  But when the obvious rapist is so obviously evil the whole episode, it’s just laughable that not a single person on the crew is suspicious of him.  Then when the rapist implicates his own father–who has been acting like a very non-evil dude–they immediately arrest him.  Then the rapist, who has somehow gotten away with his rapes and his general dickery (as he has on multiple planets already), decides to rape Troi some more.   Finally, he physically assaults her just in case the evidence against him wasn’t damning enough.  Thankfully, Data and LaForge have found common sense a paper trail that implicates the obvious rapist, saving Troi and a bunch of would be victims.

However, the truly offensive scene is when Picard proclaims that the Federation has no laws against mental rape.  Seriously, o diplomatic one.  He has allegedly caused direct mental anguish to several of your crew and put them into comas.  I’m sure the legal experts of the Federation could still find a way to prosecute him, so perhaps you shouldn’t extradite him quite so quickly. The severe lack of anything resembling an intelligent or empathetic look into the subject matter is embarrassing.

At least Worf got to remind everyone that Klingons do not allow themselves to be…probed.  Michael Dorn—you deserve every penny you’ve made for being able to deliver that line with a straight face.