Best Non-Boss Enemies (NES) #6-#4

#6  CRAZY WOMAN  (Paperboy)

This paperboy has the worst job in the history of civilization. Not only is he expected to throw newspapers twenty feet onto a doorstep (or into the mailbox–yipes!), everyone in town hates him. Dogs try to crash his bike. Women in go-karts try to run him over. Spare wheels seem to veer in his direction as they roll down the sidewalk. Even Death himself stands by with his sickle, waiting to collect his soul shall any of the former succeed. But the worst of all of them are the plastered housewives that mistake the paperboy for their cheating husbands. Even when the poor guy perfectly shoots the morning tribune into the mail slot, this bitch comes out with a rolling pin, hell bent for revenge. At least she can’t run as fast as the paperboy can pedal.

#5  SHOE KURIBO  (Super Mario Bros. 3)

I have a feeling that Sky World 5-3 is the psych ward for goombas that have gone off their collective rockers.  It’s the only place in any Mario game you will find goombas aimlessly jumping around in oversized shoes.   They look intimidating at first like any deranged person, but as long as you pay attention, they’re mostly harmless.  Unfortunately, even if you manage to steal a shoe from the demented goombas, you can walk on munchers for only a  thousand feet or so before the smell gets so bad you chuck it for good.   The best thing to do is point and laugh at them before moving on.

#4  DARKNUTS  (The Legend of Zelda)

While the wizzrobes are the toughest enemies in the game, they are also the most rage-inducing beasts on the NES.  And this list should not inspire rage.  Our friends, the darknuts, provide a healthy, yet fair challenge to the novice Link.   Darknuts huddle in enormous packs, and with their eight eyes, erratically poke their sword in Link’s way. Some of the more intellectually-minded nuts make friends with the sword-stealing bubbles, making them a venerable army of destruction. Of course, even the smartest of the lot are attracted to pretty bombs. Still, their existence demanded the need for red potions wherever they dwelt.

Tune in tomorrow for the finale!


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