Best Non-Boss Enemies (NES) #3-#1

#3  EGGPLANT WIZARD  (Kid Icarus)

Back in the day, programmers dreamed up ways to force the player to constantly backtrack.  So in all the dungeons Pit must traverse, eggplant wizards patiently wait for humans in order to turn them into walking whales. The good guys have installed registered nurses in each dungeon that will administer the whale antidote, but naturally they are officed near the entrance, many many rooms away from these mad scientists. To this day, I have never eaten an eggplant. And frankly, I get a little nervous whenever I see one.

#2  WARMECH  (Final Fantasy)

The baddest enemy in the land is not even a boss. Nintendo always claimed that there was a 1/64 chance of meeting this mean motherfucker on Tiamat’s Plank Of Death, but for me it was about three in four. After a couple of high-tech NUKES, your band of brothers was terminated and sent back to the tent you camped out in beneath the Mirage Tower. And you were sent to bed cursing Warmech’s name under your breath.

#1 SLIME  (Dragon Warrior)

The first villian in the first modern role-playing game smiled innocently at you, then ravaged your face before you could so much as wave your bamboo stick at it. Finding the coveted metal slime could yield enough experience to save several hours of mindless level-building, but the swift cowards usually fled right when the butterflies began to dance beneath your chain mail. Their reproductive prowress is well known throughout many kingdoms as they find their way into every legend of Dragon Warrior.  And despite their relative weakness, they manage to always maintain their smile, satisfied with their simple, yet meaningful life of tempering young adventurers in raw slime. May slime forever fill adventurers with such joy.

5 thoughts on “Best Non-Boss Enemies (NES) #3-#1”

  1. The Eggplant Wizard was one of those frustrating devices to lengthen a game in the days where games didn’t have a lot of memory space, yeah. Anytime I get hit with one I want to be angry, but then I look at how hilarious they are and how hilarious they make Kid Icarus look, and I just can’t stay mad at them.

    1. Heh heh, yeah. I got so good at the game that they eventually stopped being a problem. The first stage is still kind of a bitch, but starting with 2-4, the game gets insanely easy. And by that time, the wizards are more of a nuisance than a threat.

      In fact, I can’t think of any other game that has such a reverse difficulty curve.

      1. Yeah, my friend Jon Mullaly reminded me, when it showed up on my list, that it has reverse difficulty. Pit levels up, but the levels don’t get harder…they stay about the same.

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