Survivor X: Final Plea

The judges asked both me and nibbish to make a plea to the jury of seven as to why they should vote for us.  The jury vote will be announced live by Spooky tonight at Old Chicago in Apple Valley.


As the sun sets on the tenth season of Survivor, the lives of those touched by its charm and grace continued unabated.

Jacqueline’s dementia mercifully progressed to the point where she no longer became upset if her mother never showed up to take her out to lunch.

Roger’s perfect streak ended, but he successfully carved out a nice career in monster truck racing.

The kids from Earthbound continued to be confusingly meta and vague.

Tristan’s duel with McDuff continued with cold angst throughout the night, though Tristan emerged victorious as he slapped a shot through McDuff’s open legs (and icy heart).

Conor Clapton invented the guitar, and sixteen years later finally bumped Enya from the charts.

Weather girl Bri decided to try a Milk-Bone, and she liked it! When she was fired from the station, she parlayed her new fetish into a second career in the San Fernando Valley.

Edward King’s life branched out and took several paths, though he was never sure which one was real.

Mr. Toulouse kept the secret of Crocville safe until the Wikipedia was born.

Desiree was granted the greatest wish of all, a happy life for her son.

Martin (The Administrator) was able to prevent World War III, but was later unceremoniously offed after accidentally putting himself into a perpetual sneezing fit.

Dr. Westphal began volunteering, eventually starting a non-profit for children whose families could not afford life-saving surgeries. His eye never twitched again.

Graham quickly milked enough lost souls to pay his dues. He did it so well, in fact, that he soon became Hades’ right-hand man. Charon was never replaced again.

Ray Combs continued for eighteen years, helping suicide victims gain entrance to Heaven. He was replaced by Alex Trebek, who sent many to hell for barely mispronouncing answers.

Jake’s date turned out to be a 400 pound Polish man named Gustav. Justice was slowly and meticulously served that night.

Jack never remembered who his son was, but he remembered who his son became. On Jack’s 90th birthday, they were playing catch in the yard, just like old times, when The Big One came and swallowed them into the ground.

Detective Kautz was fired for fucking up in the wost way a detective has ever fucked up. As of this writing, he is attempting to gain the last ounce of his pleasure in his life via auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Esther never finished her word find (IRIS was well hidden), and she died as miserable as she had always been. She remained Nikki’s favorite until the end.

Years later, Nibbish and Beau raised their glasses in a toast. To memories, to friendship, to the Twins sweeping the Yankees in the ALCS. But most of all, to their happy marriages.

“Guys, get in here! We’re playing Pictionary–girls versus guys! And you bitches are going down!”

“Nice for a change,” Beau grinned. “It’s getting kind of old kicking your ass at everything.”

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