#3  EGGPLANT WIZARD  (Kid Icarus)

Back in the day, programmers dreamed up ways to force the player to constantly backtrack.  So in all the dungeons Pit must traverse, eggplant wizards patiently wait for humans in order to turn them into walking whales. The good guys have installed registered nurses in each dungeon that will administer the whale antidote, but naturally they are officed near the entrance, many many rooms away from these mad scientists. To this day, I have never eaten an eggplant. And frankly, I get a little nervous whenever I see one.

#2  WARMECH  (Final Fantasy)

The baddest enemy in the land is not even a boss. Nintendo always claimed that there was a 1/64 chance of meeting this mean motherfucker on Tiamat’s Plank Of Death, but for me it was about three in four. After a couple of high-tech NUKES, your band of brothers was terminated and sent back to the tent you camped out in beneath the Mirage Tower. And you were sent to bed cursing Warmech’s name under your breath.

#1 SLIME  (Dragon Warrior)

The first villian in the first modern role-playing game smiled innocently at you, then ravaged your face before you could so much as wave your bamboo stick at it. Finding the coveted metal slime could yield enough experience to save several hours of mindless level-building, but the swift cowards usually fled right when the butterflies began to dance beneath your chain mail. Their reproductive prowress is well known throughout many kingdoms as they find their way into every legend of Dragon Warrior.  And despite their relative weakness, they manage to always maintain their smile, satisfied with their simple, yet meaningful life of tempering young adventurers in raw slime. May slime forever fill adventurers with such joy.

#6  CRAZY WOMAN  (Paperboy)

This paperboy has the worst job in the history of civilization. Not only is he expected to throw newspapers twenty feet onto a doorstep (or into the mailbox–yipes!), everyone in town hates him. Dogs try to crash his bike. Women in go-karts try to run him over. Spare wheels seem to veer in his direction as they roll down the sidewalk. Even Death himself stands by with his sickle, waiting to collect his soul shall any of the former succeed. But the worst of all of them are the plastered housewives that mistake the paperboy for their cheating husbands. Even when the poor guy perfectly shoots the morning tribune into the mail slot, this bitch comes out with a rolling pin, hell bent for revenge. At least she can’t run as fast as the paperboy can pedal.

#5  SHOE KURIBO  (Super Mario Bros. 3)

I have a feeling that Sky World 5-3 is the psych ward for goombas that have gone off their collective rockers.  It’s the only place in any Mario game you will find goombas aimlessly jumping around in oversized shoes.   They look intimidating at first like any deranged person, but as long as you pay attention, they’re mostly harmless.  Unfortunately, even if you manage to steal a shoe from the demented goombas, you can walk on munchers for only a  thousand feet or so before the smell gets so bad you chuck it for good.   The best thing to do is point and laugh at them before moving on.

#4  DARKNUTS  (The Legend of Zelda)

While the wizzrobes are the toughest enemies in the game, they are also the most rage-inducing beasts on the NES.  And this list should not inspire rage.  Our friends, the darknuts, provide a healthy, yet fair challenge to the novice Link.   Darknuts huddle in enormous packs, and with their eight eyes, erratically poke their sword in Link’s way. Some of the more intellectually-minded nuts make friends with the sword-stealing bubbles, making them a venerable army of destruction. Of course, even the smartest of the lot are attracted to pretty bombs. Still, their existence demanded the need for red potions wherever they dwelt.

Tune in tomorrow for the finale!

Game designers usually pull out all the stops when creating the next big bad boss. But not enough credit is given when a truly awe-inspiring regular comes into the fray, for better or for worse.   Goomba was the first of these baddies most of us encountered.  The following may not be the hardest non-boss enemies you’ll ever meet, but they are ten that have won a soft place in our hearts.

#10  METROID  (Metroid)

Just when you thought getting rid of your ice gun for the wave beam was a radical idea, along comes the title character, who apparently sustains its life force by sucking yours through your spacesuit. With a hull rivaling that of a Klingon Bird of Prey, it takes five missiles to off this parasite. But in a miraculous display of inefficient natural selection, it can be frozen solid (albeit for only a few seconds) with a spray of ice water. Without it, getting past the metroids is tougher than Mother Brain herself.

#9  THE DRAGON  (Shadowgate)

I was never as frightened by him as the narrator insisted I was (FEAR GRIPS YOU AS YOU ENTER THIS HOT ROOM!!), but I had to hand it to the dragon. Hiding in the darkness, he practically begged novice adventurers to steal his booty. So much as flinch and a wave of flames engulfed the room. He was the only character that couldn’t be defeated, and even the shield was only strong enough to withstand a few fiery gusts. Whenever I got stuck in Shadowgate, I’d always come back to this room, persistent in a plan to off the beast. I bow to thee, fine dragon.

#8  THE MOUTHS  (Willow)

The land where Willow resides is certainly strange and magical, so believe me I was psyched when I came across a plantation of footballs! Running through the field proved fatal, and a valuable lesson was learned; the land of Willow has no room for secular pleasures, something I should have learned earlier after putting the moves on Sorsha and getting bitch-slapped. Who knew that transforming into a slimey monster was the only way to have some fun?

#7  MEN CARRYING GLASS  (Back to the Future)

Just like the movie, Marty is constantly tormented by crazy civillians, hula hoopin’ broads, and swarms of bees. But these two men are innocently doing synchronized mime in the middle of the street.  Watch out for that oil slick fellas!  Apparently, they don’t seem to appreciate my attempt to run through their dance and throw them off beat.

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment!