Play With The Prose 7, Challenge 8: Brooks Maki

This week we had to write a story with no dialogue, trying to make it heavy on plot. 200 words. I did my best.

I am weak. Thirsty. I think my wrist is broken. How long have I been out?

Please God, let me die.

I find this scrawled on a crumpled piece of paper by the tunnel entrance. The ink looks newly dried, yet no traces of the author. A friend, I hope? No matter, I must escape. A few steps in, I find another message.

A way out!

Relief overwhelms me. Hope, finally. Deeper now, I turn on my flashlight. Another note. My friend left a trail it appears.

Found a friend! He has crackers. Says he thinks he knows the way.

My heart beats faster. For a minute I’m able to ignore the pain. I only hope they come for me before I collapse. I manage another hundred meters before resting. Another scrap of paper, this one tinged with blood.

God forgive me. We ran out of food. At least he didn’t scream much.

I drop the note, hands shaking. The walls feel like they’re closing in. I continue forward anyway. Fifteen minutes later, my heart stops. Dead end. Only one more note.

No way out. Must go back. Find another way. Last entry, probably. Think my wrist is broken.

K: The ink is newly dried, right? If that’s the case, why don’t I see a couple of dead bodies? The story does a lot to establish mystery, but comes off as mystery for the sake of mystery rather than mystery with an answer, which is always more satisfying. Wow, dudes. My kingdom for an ending this week.

CW: Well hey that was neat. I was thinking the story could have been told better than simply through notes but I really like the last note so I guess I won’t gripe too much. – SILVER

Yeah, this story needed about 200 more words. Then I could have added a body (one, not two) and added an ending rather than stopping with the climax. But hey, I’ll take a silver medal.

I drop one more spot in the standings to fifth place. Four weeks to go.

One thought on “Play With The Prose 7, Challenge 8: Brooks Maki”

  1. I would have given this one a GOLD. The ending was a total surprise (and thus also the plot of the story). And I for one like that the story is told through notes. I don’t think the absence of the dead body (yes, ONE dead body) needs to be explained–could be a number of reasons why he doesn’t see a dead body. Maybe he buried it and has no recall of doing so, since he appears to be insanely delirious. Love this story, would make a great Twilight Zone episode.

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