All posts by Beau

Tim Burton

Burton is one of those directors who just seems better at his job than he really is. He’s always been able to create stunning and imaginative worlds, and he’s able to get good performances out of his actors. But his scripts (he has written about half of his movies) tend to lack subtlety. Also, it’s hard to find a movie of his that doesn’t star Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, or Johnny Depp (especially Depp). I like Depp just as much as anyone, but I wonder if using him for nearly every major movie of his has limited their potential.

Mars Attacks!: Man, this could have been so good. Lampooning alien invasion flicks with a monster cast (Nicholson, Close, Bening, Fox, Devito, Brosnan, Portman) should have made this a slam dunk, but there’s not much here that’s actually funny. Amusing at times, and maddeningly flat most of the time, coming off too much like the films it’s supposed to be lampooning.

Grade: D

Batman Returns: Been a long time since I’ve seen this, but I remember feeling quite underwhelmed by Devito’s Penguin and Pfeiffer’s CatWoman.

Grade: D+

Batman: It’s impossible to compare this to Christopher Nolan’s movies as they shoot for completely different styles. While Nolan’s movies go for the more modern “realistic” superhero, Burton was obviously going for a comic book feel. He does this mostly well. Nicholson’s Joker is really good. Keaton is solid as well. Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of comic books so that likely affected my enjoyment.

Grade: C+

Beetle Juice: Ghosts hire an exorcist to rid their home of the new alive tenants. Not terribly funny these days, but I still enjoy watching it thanks to the imaginative world Burton creates and a very enthusiastic performance by Keaton. Alec Baldwin is good as usual and Geena Davis and Winona Ryder hold their own.

Grade: B-

Edward Scissorhands: An isolated scientist creates Edward (Johnny Depp) and gives him scissors for hands until he can finish the real hands. Unfortunately, he dies before he can do so, and the naive Edward rolls into town. His brief celebrity ends quickly as the prejudiced town members turn against him. Great performance by Depp, but like Pleasantville, it’s easy to choke on all the allegory being shoved down one’s throat.

Grade: B+

Other Tim Burton Movies You May Have Seen

Big Fish
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Alice in Wonderland
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Sleepy Hollow
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Dark Shadows
Ed Wood
Frankenweenie
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

Terry Gilliam

Monty Python gang member Gilliam has had a pretty successful career doing pretty much everything. Not a lot of humor outside of Python; his dramatic movies have been better received.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: A fantasy m0vie about some guy. I’ve never been a fan of Gilliam’s fantasy worlds (I fell asleep watching Time Bandits) and this is no exception. Interesting casting with Jonathan Pryce, Sting, and Oliver Reed to name a few, but I was never intrigued.

Grade: D

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Not my favorite Python movie, but it easily has the most iconic scenes and quotable one-liners. Uneven in pacing and continuity, but the good scenes are really funny. A good introduction to British humor.

Grade: B+

12 Monkeys: Bruce Willis, a prisoner, must travel back in time to the 90’s to find the cause of a virus that kills five billion people. Trippy time-travel stuff, solid plot, and excellent performances. One of the best of Willis’s career, and probably my favorite performance by Brad Pitt (a mental health patient) as well. Gilliam’s apocalyptic future is visually interesting.

Grade: A

Other Terry Gilliam Movies You May Have Seen

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Brazil
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
The Brothers Grimm
The Meaning of Life
The Fisher King
Time Bandits

Amy Heckerling

I think Heckerling is the only female director where I’ve seen at least three movies from. That’s kind of sad.

Look Who’s Talking: I pretty much hate talking babies, but Bruce Willis’s baby narration might be the least hate-able I’ve come across. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley have just enough chemistry together to keep this from being completely worthless.

Grade: D

A Night at the Roxbury: What’s up? Someone thought it was a good idea to take SNL’s Roxbury guys and give them 80 minutes. Not as awful as I expected, but it still remains a mostly one-joke premise so much of the movie drags. Will Ferrell, as usual, gives an enthusiastic performance which helps save things a bit.

Grade: D+

Clueless: Alicia Silverstone is the most popular girl and does all sorts of popular things and tries to help clueless people emulate her, until she realizes she needs a more spiritual makeover. Yeah, as if! Inspired by Jane Austen’s Emma. Alicia plays her role well and for the most part the performances are good, but the script seems dated, or at least underwhelming. When I see it I just think I’d rather be watching Mean Girls.

Grade: D+

Other Amy Heckerling Moves You May Have Seen

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Look Who’s Talking Too
European Vacation
Loser
I Could Never Be Your Woman
Johnny Dangerously

Roger Spottiswoode

I wonder what in Spottiswoode’s career tempted someone to give him a Bond movie. He once said this:

The movies I want to make are not people’s priority. Nobody would touch them. They cost a lot of money, and studios no longer finance development, so if I didn’t pay for them myself they wouldn’t happen.

Looking at his ratings on IMDb, it doesn’t look like the movies he makes are anyone’s priority.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot: Man, what a piece of shit. I was twelve years old and found this (and Stallone and Getty) obvious and stupid. The movie literally has one joke and it’s in the title. I laughed when I saw the preview. That was the last time. In my life. It’s that bad.

Grade: F

Shoot To Kill: A plot-twisty thriller that really does nothing for me, partly because I don’t particularly care for Tom Berenger or Kirstie Alley, but mostly because I don’t feel the thrills. Even Sidney Poitier seems to be a bit listless.

Grade: F

Turner & Hooch: Tom Hanks is a detective who must adopt a Saint Bernard to help find a murderer. Cue lots of saliva and bad dog jokes. Some genuine sentiment at the end, but everything’s a bit too obvious.

Grade: C-

Other Roger Spottiswoode Movie You May Have Seen

Tomorrow Never Dies
The 6th Day
Air America
The Children of Huang Shi

John G. Avildsen

Avildsen sure likes underdog stories. I wonder how much of that comes from his own life. I see nothing special in his direction or his ability to make his scripts better. I have to admit I haven’t yet seen the original Rocky movie, which is more or less the inspiration for every underdog movie ever. So you have to give him credit for that.

Rocky V: The late Tommy Morrison, who was then an undefeated heavyweight boxer, was cast as Rocky’s protege. Rocky’s down on his luck, poor again somehow, and then this Tommy guy betrays him. The movie’s climax doesn’t take place in the ring this time; Rocky and Tommy duke it out in the street like a good ol’ parking lot bar fight. Shoots for drama, fails miserably.

Grade: F

The Karate Kid: Part III: Ralph Macchio, now 75 years old but still pretending to play teenager Daniel, goes through some hormonal stuff (probably because every girl who falls for him breaks up with him before the next movie) and defies Mr. Miyagi and trains for the next All-Valley karate tournament with the world’s most obvious douchebag. And–complete and utter surprise–the douchebag is friends with Martin Kove, the bad guy from the first movie. Also shockingly, Daniel eventually comes to back to Miyagi, who forgives him. And for the biggest twist yet, Daniel defeats a much more skilled opponent to win the tournament. Also, there’s some bonsai trees. Daniel was the plucky underdog kid from the wrong side of the tracks in the first movie. Here, he’s just a tool. Shameful script and lifeless direction.

Grade: F

8 Seconds: Sort of true story about Lane Frost, a professional bull-rider who was killed by a bull after a successful ride at the age of 26. A bit emotionally manipulative, but it was watchable considering I have no interest in the real thing. Pretty good soundtrack if you like country.

Grade: D

The Karate Kid: Part II: Not-bad sequel to quirky, feel-good original. Daniel goes to Okinawa because Miyagi is the father he never had and he has to follow him everywhere. Despite Daniel further overcoming bullies who hate him for no reason, the movie is more about Miyagi, who grieves his father’s death and must confront an old friend who wants him dead. Pat Morita is excellent again, and there are some cool individual scenes like the ice-breaking contest. It could have been a great dramatic movie, but there’s too many contrivances and obvious plot points. Despite this, I still enjoy it today.

Grade: B-

The Karate Kid: Daniel Larusso’s mom moves him out to Raceda where he quickly becomes the enemy of every bully in school because he exists, and then makes it worse by antagonizing his bullies. Enter Mr. Miyagi, a local handyman and gardener who tricks Daniel into doing his chores and magically teaches him karate at the same time. The entire plot is preposterous and the movie is a bit slow at times, but it’s great fun and the tournament Daniel redeems himself at is energetic and well-choreographed. The movie itself inspired tons of kids (including myself) to take karate lessons and do the crane kick countless times despite it being a worthless attack.

Grade: B+

Other John G. Avildsen Movies You May Have Seen

Rocky
Lean on Me
The Power of One
Desert Heat
Neighbors
Save the Tiger

Brian de Palma

A very well-known director, Brian de Palma’s career seems to be a bit underwhelming. While I’ve only seen three of his movies, looking at the ones below and reviews by those of people I trust, they all seem to have more potential than he gets out of them.

Mission to Mars: A crew goes to Mars on a rescue mission and find something fantastic when they get there. This is such a frustrating movie, since the acting is top-notch. Don Cheadle and Gary Sinise are excellent and Tim Robbins pulls his weight as well. But this might be the most boring space movie ever.

Grade: F

The Black Dahlia: Another story around Elizabeth Short, the wannabe Hollywood actress who was brutally murdered in 1947, her case never solved. Another mess of a story, but it’s engaging until the ending. Shot well.

Grade: C-

The Untouchables: One of my favorite computer games, The Black Dahlia, combines the mysteries of Elizabeth Short and the Cleveland torso murders, investigated by Eliot Ness. Fun coincidence that De Palma has directed movies about Short and Ness. Written by David Mamet, an engaging movie that is a little too long and unfortunately has Kevin Costner in the lead as Ness. Sean Connery is good as Jim Malone, and I like Andy Garcia, but Robert De Niro is only okay as Al Capone. Good, with some tense moments, but could have been a lot better.

Grade: B-

Others Brian de Palma Movies You May Have Seen

Scarface
Mission: Impossible
Carlito’s Way
Carrie
Snake Eyes
Casualties of War
Femme Fatale
Bonfire of the Vanities

David S. Ward

Ward wrote The Sting, the best con man movie I’ve ever seen. It was his first script as well. But looking at the rest of his career, you wonder if he used up all of his genius out of the gate. Some writers make bad directors, but Ward really hasn’t had a great script either, though Major League comes close. His final script, Major League 3, was the only movie I’ve been an extra in. And I haven’t even bothered to watch it.

Major League II: Completely lifeless sequel. Omar Epps replaced Wesley Snipes, but the problems of the movie are much deeper. This is basically the same plot as D2: The Mighty Ducks, only it’s more obnoxious because it’s adults.  I remember liking this as a kid, but I saw it a few years ago again and wanted to drink lye to forget the pain.

Grade: F

The Program: A perfectly diverse bunch of kids play football at a university and try to cope with life and each other. Some individually good scenes with a few salient points about life and what matters, but also some fake drama and easy stereotypes that ruins any chance this could have been great.

Grade: C

Major League: One of the better baseball movies I’ve seen. Making fun of the (then) hapless Indians was great, giving them a bitchy owner reminiscent of Marge Schott (though not nearly as hateful) who wants them to tank so she can move the team. Tom Berenger is the main character because he’s the team veteran, but probably so we can get a pointless romantic subplot with Rene Russo. But the rest of the movie is just good fun. Everyone seems to be having a blast, especially Bob Uecker, who provides so many great one-liners as the play-by-play announcer that some of them were adopted by his real-life counterparts. What also helps is that for the most part, the baseball feels realistic. Charlie Sheen is the closer who is wild but has a crazy-good fastball; you don’t doubt it watching the movie. Sheen couldn’t quite hit 100 MPH, but he came close enough and his mechanics were sound. Little details like that are really appreciated by this baseball fan.

Grade: B

Other David S. Ward Movies You May Have Seen

Down Periscope
King Ralph
Cannery Row

You

 The Machine of Death prints out a card, foreshadowing one’s death.  It is never wrong.  The story must also have a title, and that title must be the words on the card someone receives.

Dave Nguyen took a slow drag from his cigarette, allowing himself to taste the smoke rolling around his cheeks.  He hated smoking.  But he endured it for two reasons.  The first was because he could.  His status afforded him the opportunity despite the world-wide ban on tobacco production.  The second reason was his intense dislike for living.  If smoking shaved seven years off his life, Dave welcomed it.

He unarguably had the most important job a human ever had.  When the fucking scientists figured out how to send a person through time, they also figured out this was a very bad idea.  Even the most minor of changes in the past would have unimaginable consequences, the saddest being erasing the life experiences of every generation affected henceforth.  And in this age of global government, that meant everybody.  Dave’s job was to prevent this from happening.  He was lead investigator of the TTP, the Terran Temporal Police.  If somebody managed to send themselves back in time, he was to follow and terminate their right of existence.

Thankfully, this didn’t happen very often.  There were only two time machines, one in Cape Town, the other in Zurich.  They were highly guarded and required at minimum three people for its operation, and anyone near it had already undergone multiple stages of psychological testing.  The machines were used regularly; international law only banned traveling to the past.  Every so often, a scientist (and one time a politician) couldn’t resist the temptation.  A bribe or two later and Dave had work to do.

Most who went back felt they were doing so for altruistic reasons.  At least that’s what most told him before termination.  The first went back to try and kill Gavrilo Princip.  Dave was at Moritz Shiller’s Café long before his target, thanks to a tip from one of the scientists who helped send him back.  No damage was done, unless you count the perp’s body in the bottom of the Adriatic.  The second who went back decided he wanted to be the first person to see a live dinosaur.  A very generous sarcosuchus did Dave’s work for him.

The Machine of Death—a prize brought back from the future–made Dave’s job a bit easier.  Anyone who worked in or around one of the time machines had to first register and receive their death card.  It helped Dave catch a guy last year whose card read ENOLA GAY.  He found him near the imperial palace in Tokyo.  An interrogation revealed he planned on warning Hirohito.  Dave tied him to a post in an abandoned Hiroshima cotton mill.

Four months ago, a lady who worked in Zurich received a card that said DAVE NGUYEN.  After two days of private deliberations at TTP headquarters, it was decided that Dave would make a preemptive strike.  When Dave confronted her at her home, she quickly resigned to her fate, but asked him if he’d make love to her before she ingested the poison he brought.  She was striking, and due to his work women were naturally afraid to sleep with him.  But he declined, knowing that emotional detachment was crucial to his future success.

Rubbing out the end of the cigarette, Dave’s attention turned to the card he kept taped to the monitor.  He was also required to visit the Machine of Death.  He now wished he had asked never to see the results after they were printed.  He took the card and studied it, as if he thought hard enough about it he could change what it had told him.  One word stared back at him.

YOU

Dave thought he was signing up for an adventure of a lifetime.  But his life became smaller every day.  There were no other travelers in his department, so he was always on-call.  The pressure to prevent unauthorized jumps was enormous.  His brain rarely shut off as he studied each person who worked with the machines, having to assume each one was capable of defection.  But the terminations weighed heavy on his conscience.  Knowing that each termination saved over 13 billion lives did little to quell the guilt.

He thought about suicide every day.  The card forced him to.  But in all the years with the TTP, he never really considered it.  Depressed as he was, one thing motivated him.  He wanted to prove the Machine of Death wrong.

His phone rang, which is to say the device implanted in his ear sounded an alarm.

“Unauthorized jump.  Repeat, unauthorized jump.”

Dave was already heading for the door.

“Who is it?” Dave asked.

“Igor Khitrovo.”

“How far back?”

“Two days, sir.”

“Two days?”

“Yes, sir.”

Dave opened the door to the lab.  Due to the time sensitive nature of his work, living right next to the time machine was a forgone conclusion.  At least they had given him soundproof walls.

He found the director, who handed him his pistol–he refused to keep it in his home–as they walked to the machine.  “Any ideas?” Dave asked.

“None, sir.”

“What did his card, say?”

The director handed him a copy.  OLD AGE is all it said.

“That’s odd,” said Dave as he stepped into the machine.

“Agreed,” replied the director.  “It’s imperative that you bring him back alive.”

“But only one person can come back at a time.”

“New development.  It should work.”  The director attached the armband.

“Since when?”

“Since now.  Do it.”

The director turned around and nodded to the two scientists at the controls.  Dave closed his eyes.  It was easier that way.  He felt a mild electrical pulse run through his toes, heard the usual popping noise, then opened his eyes again.  He recognized his location from the personnel files.  It was Igor’s home.

Most perps traveled to a desolate location, hoping to avoid being noticed or leaving a trail for Dave to follow.  The scientists theorized that short jumps in time had less time variance.  The typical variance was twelve to sixteen hours, but a jump this short would likely have a variance of twenty to thirty seconds.  Perhaps that’s why Igor didn’t bother to cover his tracks.  He was standing just two feet away, leaning against the kitchen sink.

“Hey Dave,” he said casually.

Dave drew his gun.

“I know you won’t kill me.  You’ve seen my card.”

“I have orders to bring you back alive.  You’ll die in a prison cell I’m guessing.”

“Can I say something first?”

Dave stared at him, unflinching.

Igor sighed.  “Will you put that thing down?  You and I both know you’re not going to use it.”

Dave obliged.

“My wife and daughter are upstairs, sleeping.”  Igor approached Dave, obviously not concerned about him.  “In about two hours, they’re going to wake up.  Then they’re going to come down here to eat breakfast.  Marta will have coffee and a bagel with cream cheese and lox.  Yuliya will have waffles, sausage, and orange juice.  They’ll turn on the radio to a station that still plays songs from the fucking Beatles. “

Igor took a breath.  He seemed on the verge of crying or yelling; Dave wasn’t sure.

“And before breakfast is over, a man dressed as a priest will ring the doorbell and force his way in.  He’ll tie my wife to a chair, and make her watch as he rapes my daughter.  He’ll cut them up, hearing them scream in agony as they slowly bleed to death.”

Dave reached back, found a chair, and sat.

“I know you have a job, but I beg you to let me stop this.  Please!”  Igor wept.  “Even if it changes things, it will just be the next two days.  Nobody will know the difference except you.  We can stop this fucker and go back together.”

Dave shook his head.  “I’m sorry, Igor.  I can’t make judgments.”  Dave took a deep breath, but still felt he was suffocating.  “We don’t know what changing the past will do.  Killing this guy could have irrevocable repercussions that you and I can’t begin to imagine.  And if we don’t kill him, he might go next door and do the same thing.  Dammit, I’m sorry.  But you know I can’t let you do this.”

Igor’s body went limp as he lowered himself to the floor.

Dave approached and knelt beside him.  He grabbed Igor’s shoulder and leaned in.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, as he reached for the armband with his free hand.  He heard a loud pop.  Before he could turn around, he felt a pistol jam up against his neck.

“I’m sorry, too,” said the voice behind him.

Dave Nguyen recognized the voice.  It was his own.   In the second before the bullet scrambled his brain, his depression lifted.