All posts by Beau

Extinguished

“So. Martin.” The cold, direct voice of The Administrator filled his office. “You know why I called you in here?”

Martin remained erect, but frozen, in the steel guest chair.

“Of course you do,” he lamented. “You know, they told me that you weren’t cut out for this. That your psychological profile was…unsatisfactory. But I saw something in you. Perhaps I was blinded by your striking resemblance to me. Perhaps my instincts have softened in my old age. Regardless, it turns out they were right.”

The Administrator approached from the shadows, his jet black shoes clapping against the limestone floor. His chiseled face revealed less emotion than his tailored suit. Towering over him, his thumb and index finger cupped Martin’s chin. He let go.

“I thought I could prove your worth to us. You know, start you off slow.”

Martin stared blankly at him, watching him place a cigarette between his lips.

“After all, we couldn’t give you the ability to start the world on fire until we were sure of you.” On cue, the cigarette lit itself.

“The ability to make someone else sneeze seemed pretty innocuous. Easy to keep hidden. And a quite effective tool at extending someone’s life. Have to admit, you impressed us when you saved the Senator, delaying his first step into the crosswalk.” The Administrator turned his back to Martin, resting his hands on his desk.

“But you couldn’t help yourself. You had to play with your new toy. Showing it off at parties, placing bets on who would sneeze first. Making the President embarrass himself at his own inauguration. All fun and games, I know. But telling your wife was the last straw. This organization has the power to make this world a better place, but only if our secret is kept.” The Administrator paused, then turned around. “We’re now half way to keeping that secret.”

Martin’s eyes darted at his boss, rage masking the pain behind them. He kept quiet.

“It’s a shame, really.” He put the cigarette out. “I don’t like killing anyone, even for the greater good. Even though I’ll gain your power when you die.” The Administrator laughed. “Now, do you have any last words before you spontaneously combust?”

Martin did not.

“Alright, then. I admit this will take a few seconds longer than my cigarette. You seem to like parlor tricks. How about we end this with a magic word? Shazam? Presto-chango?”

Martin’s expression remained unchanged.

“Oh, I got it. Here we go.” His splayed his hands out in front of him as if it were necessary. “Abracada…ah! Ah! Ah-CHOO! Abracachoo!”

Martin rose from the chair, watching The Administrator clumsily stumble with an endless sneezing fit. Walking behind his former boss, he waited for him to rise from his latest attack. In one motion, he cradled his head and snapped his neck. The lifeless body slumped to the floor.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. “Come in!” called Martin, finishing the last button on his new suit.

“Sir!” barked the young man as he entered. “Are you done in here?”

Martin nodded.

“Good. We may not have much time. Talks are breaking down between the U.S. and China. And both sides have their bombs aimed and ready.”

“Well then,” Martin replied, looking down at the body. “It looks like we’ve got a fire to put out.”

“Sir?”

Martin looked up. “So to speak, son.” He approached the young man, putting his arm around him as they exited his office. “So to speak.”

Broken Record

Edward King’s father hadn’t beaten him in eight days. He wasn’t entirely sure why he counted. He did know that twenty-one more days and it would be a record. And maybe hope.

Sometimes Eddie wished he went to school in a bad neighborhood, where some kids were lucky if their parents chose to buy food instead of heroin. He could then fantasize his life as better than that of his friends. But every minute he spent away from home was a cold reminder that he didn’t have one.

What kept Eddie from deliberately working on an escape plan was Mom. She couldn’t protect him from his father’s “corrections” any more than she could protect herself. But he knew she cared, and that was enough. Eddie couldn’t wait until he was old enough to protect her. In nineteen days was his eleventh birthday. Almost an adult.

His birthday was one reason Eddie was sure he wouldn’t break his record. But his report card was another. It came today and his father knew it. And Eddie knew the only thing his father would care about was the B-minus in pre-algebra.

The harsh clanging of the garage door jolted Eddie out of his self-pity. Sitting down at the kitchen table, Eddie stared at the report card, hoping to get this out of the way.

His father came through the door and set his briefcase on the table. Eddie sensed his father looking at him, then the report card, then back. He tensed as his father’s hand came to his forehead. But his father simply ruffled his hair before silently walking towards the stairs.

Eddie couldn’t tell whether to be relieved or frightened, but goose bumps shot up his arms. Unfortunately, this debate would have to wait as a scream from upstairs broke his paralysis.

Normally, he would go outside so he wouldn’t have to listen. But this time something compelled him to walk up the stairs. As he did, Mom’s protests became softer but more desperate. Reaching his parent’s bedroom, he looked carefully around the door jamb. Then he took a step back.

Mom’s blouse was torn. Half-naked, she looked helpless on the bed as his father towered over her with his dick out, stroking it. Not knowing exactly what his father planned to do, but knowing it was bad, Eddie reacted. “Mom!” he shouted from the doorway.

His father’s glare darted from his mother to him. He expected shouting, but his father calmly pulled up his slacks. “Edward. Get the hose.”

Shaking, Eddie made his way to the garage. This task normally was humiliating, but right now he only felt fear, and rage. Pulling the hose off the far wall, Eddie considered destroying it, realizing that doing so would only make things worse. But then he noticed the adjacent cabinet was slightly ajar. His father’s .45 was lying on the shelf.

“Edward, you shithead!” he heard in the distance. “Get up here!”

Eddie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Coming!”

Intermission

We’ll be taking a little break from The Director Series. Work’s pretty busy and I got a sick kid. In the meantime, I’ll be doing my first re-posts, stories of mine that were well received the first time around. Whether it be your first or second time, hope you enjoy them.

Christopher Nolan

I’ve seen all but one of Nolan’s movies, and he impresses the hell out of me with his ability to both write and direct competently without any gross missteps. He casts well, he gets good performances out of his actors, and his scripts often have refreshingly original ideas. He hasn’t yet made the movie that has left me in complete awe, but I won’t be surprised if he eventually does. Sometimes his scripts are too ambitious. I would love to see him direct a television show where he gets five seasons to tell something epic.

The Dark Knight Rises: Bane is a decent foe for Batman as is Marion Cotillard’s character. But I didn’t feel much awe while watching this, which is kind of necessary for a superhero movie. Cillian Murphy makes a fun reappearance as the Scarecrow.

Grade: B-

Inception: Nolan does an exceptional job of taking this mind-boggling concept and teaching it to the viewer without too much exposition. Slick camerawork and good performances as well by DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Ellen Page. But despite how epic the movie remains, there are so many glaring plot holes in the last half hour that it’s hard for me to overlook them. The ending is also manipulative and obvious and created some silly debates among viewers. On the other hand, it was also the first movie I saw with my wife, so bonus points there.

Grade: B

The Dark Knight: The second of the Batman movies is famous for being Heath Ledger’s final movie and also his best, as he deservedly won an Oscar for his portrayal of The Joker. He’s pure delight every second he’s on the screen. But there are probably even more plot issues here than in Inception (mostly the good guys making things way too hard) making for some really contrived climactic scenes.

Grade: B

Memento: Famous for the entire movie being told backwards. Each scene is about two to six minutes, then we jump back in time to the one before it. Guy Pearce plays a guy with amnesia who forgets everything he’s learned after a few minutes and therefore obsessively writes things down on paper and on his body. It’s dizzying at first, but Nolan does a good job of making everything fall into place at just the right time. Gimmicky for sure, but the story is good regardless. And the acting is excellent. The Matrix stars Carrie Ann Moss and Joe Pantoliano give chilling performances, and Pearce is believable as well. Haven’t watched this a second time, though there is an option on the DVD to watch it forwards rather than backwards.

Grade: B+

Following: Nolan’s first full-length movie, in black and white, we meet a writer who (benignly) stalks people for his stories, until a thief notices him and takes him under his wing as a co-thief. One of the best stories I’ve seen that relies on plot twists and misdirection, I never felt manipulated or taken by the storytelling. The acting isn’t the greatest and the budget is obviously low, but you can definitely see some Nolan trademarks and it’s beautifully paced.

Grade: A-

Insomnia: Two L.A. detectives are sent to an Alaskan town where the sun literally doesn’t set for months at a time to solve the systematic murders of the local police force. Based on a Norwegian film made a few years earlier. The only movie Nolan doesn’t have a writing credit for, though he did have a hand in some of it. Al Pacino is good, and Robin Williams puts in one of the best performances of his career, probably because Nolan doesn’t allow him to mug for the camera.

Grade: A-

Batman Begins: I never had a desire to see a superhero movie but I was blown away by this. Beautifully shot and an imaginative, compelling back story for how Batman became to be. Perhaps I love it because I pretty much hate comic books and this movie never feels like one. I was engaged all the way until the end. Cillian Murphy is awesome as the Scarecrow, but Michael Caine and Gary Oldman are inspired choices as well. Katie Holmes was a misstep as Rachel Dawes (corrected with Maggie Gyllenhaal in the sequel) but she doesn’t ruin anything.

Grade: A-

Other Christopher Nolan Movie You May Have Seen

The Prestige

Jim Abrahams

Apparently, the one way to tell if a movie is slapstick is if the title ends in an exclamation point. Abrahams was the third of the trio who directed Airplane!, Top Secret!, and Ruthless People. Abrahams went on to write David Zucker’s successful Naked Gun movies and then wrote and directed some more slapstick on his own. It’s really hard to tell if he or Zucker is more responsible for the good slapstick.

Hot Shots!: Top Gun parody is okay. Charlie Sheen is decent but not great at slapstick. Lloyd Bridges and Cary Elwes are a bit better at it. I didn’t remember Ryan Stiles being in these movies. This movie came out in 1991, around the time he started working on the British version of Whose Line. I also didn’t realize Jon Cryer was here as well.

Hot Shots! Part Deux: Rambo parody is a little funnier than the first movie, but still pretty uneven. A lot of the same cast from the first movie, plus Rowan Atkinson.

Airplane!: See David Zucker

Other Jim Abrahams Movies You May Have Seen

Top Secret!
Ruthless People
Big Business
Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael
First Do No Harm
Mafia!

Jerry Zucker

Jerry has not been as active as his brother, directing only three movies without him, none of them slapstick. He doesn’t have much of a career to judge.

First Knight: A King Arthur tale with Sean Connery, Richard Gere, and Julia Armond. Pretty straightforward and pretty dull.

Grade: D

Ghost: When I was younger I was crazy about this movie. I cried every time I saw it despite its over sentimentality. But now it’s pretty much sunk into average movie territory for me. The acting is okay at best and I don’t find Tony Goldwyn’s portrayal of the bad guy to be terribly convincing, especially since he seems obviously scummy from the get go and Demi Moore doesn’t notice. Whoopi Goldberg is funny at times, but the shtick gets a bit old by the end. And it frustrates me to no end that Demi Moore is willing to kiss Whoopi Goldberg because she believes Patrick Swayze’s ghost is now inside of her, but when the moment happens, Goldberg magically turns into Swayze. They had a chance in 1990 to do something special but they chickened out. Bleck. The biggest highlight for me is Vincent Schiavelli freaking me the hell out down on the subway platform.

Grade: C+

Airplane! See David Zucker

Grade: A-

Other Jerry Zucker Movies You May Have Seen

Top Secret!
Ruthless People
Rat Race

David Zucker

Baseketball: The creators of South Park star in this movie (not written by them) that has them pioneering a professional league based on a driveway game that combines baseball and basketball and trying to psych out your opponent by hurling insults at them. I shouldn’t like it as much as I do because there’s a lot of flat and offensive jokes (David Zucker really likes torturing hospital patients). But there’s enough that had me rolling that I enjoyed myself. Easily my favorite cameo by Bob Costas.

Grade: C

The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear: Not nearly as sharp or as memorable as the first movie in the series, but still with a bunch of laughs. Slapstick at its perfectly mediocre.

Grade: C+

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!: Brilliant slapstick starring Leslie Nielsen, playing the same obtuse character he did in the television show. Not too many wasted jokes here and a lot of memorable visuals as well. The Angels game where Nielsen manages to go undercover as the home plate umpire is classic. O.J. Simpson is pretty good in a supporting role.

Grade: B+

Airplane!: My favorite slapstick movie, I can pretty much watch this any time. Lampooning airplane disaster movies, but also with a solid stand-alone jokes that kill me. The funniest bits come from the supporting characters such as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Florence Henderson, and Leslie Nielsen. Slapstick only works if each character seems to speaking every line in earnest, and the main characters (Peter Graves, Robert Stack, Lloyd Bridges) all do their jobs perfectly.

Grade: A-

Other David Zucker Films You May Have Seen

Top Secret!
Ruthless People
Scary Movie 3
Scary Movie 4
My Boss’s Daughter
An American Carol

Francis Ford Coppolla

Jack: Robin Williams plays an overgrown child. It’s like the role was made for him!  Fran Drescher doesn’t help things either. When you hate a Robin Williams movie as a kid, you know it’s bad. Ugh.

Grade: F

Tucker: The Man and His Dream: Once upon a time a guy (Jeff Bridges) tried to compete with The Big Three and create his own line of cars with innovations like a rotating headlight that follows your steering wheel. That man was squashed by The Big Three, though admittedly his car did have some issues which hurt things. Based on a true story; it’s easy to root for Tucker even though you know what’s going to happen in the end.

Grade: B-

The Rainmaker: Matt Damon plays one of John Grisham’s idealist young attorneys who takes on a corrupt insurance company with the help of Danny DeVito. Solid cast and a solid plot, but nothing all that memorable either.

Grade: B

The Godfather: Part II: Camps are about equally divided on which of the two movies is better. I prefer the first one as I felt it was faster paced with more tension. Still, the character development of Michael Corleone is powerful and depressing. Diane Keaton puts in a strong performance as well as she watches Michael’s ascension to power. Robert DeNiro is also quite good, introduced here in the second film.

Grade: B

The Godfather: It took me until I was 24 to watch this and I expected to be disappointed by all the hype. I was not. I watched it with a friend and we were white-knuckling our chairs multiple times. Marlon Brando is fun as the Don, but it’s a young Al Pacino who really shines. It’s easy to follow him through and understand the choices he makes and Coppolla has us simultaneously rooting for and being scared by him at the same time. I also love James Caan’s performance. In fact, the entire cast is pretty much brilliant. This movie not only defined an entire genre of movies, it also redefined real mobsters, who were never this slick in real life but aspired to be so after watching this. Oh, and it also helped Mario Puzo; from what I’ve heard, his books are not that great.

Grade: A

Other Francis Ford Coppola Movies You May Have Seen

The Godfather: Part III
Apocalypse Now
Dracula
The Conversation
The Outsiders
Peggy Sue Got Married
Rumble Fish
Supernova
New York Stories
The Cotton Club

Sam Raimi

Somehow I’ve managed to see over half of Sam Raimi’s movies.  He’s good at camp, not so great at anything else. Even his movies that I enjoy watching aren’t terribly good, and are more likely to have great scenes dropped in to an otherwise snoozer.  I have yet to see a movie of his that was solid from beginning to end. At least the movies are never manipulative, so I have no ill-will towards the guy.  Just wish he had more skill, as he’s got the occasional brilliant spark.

Spider-Man 2: I know this is considered by most to the best of the Spider-Man series. I think the plot is decent and Alfred Molina is pretty good as the bad guy, but something really rubbed me the wrong way. Spider-Man’s effects seem cheesy and over CGI’d, and I think I was beginning to loathe Peter Parker.

Grade: F

The Evil Dead: Raimi’s first full-length movie, it has a cult following but is really got nothing to make it stand out from every other gore-fest from the 70’s and 80’s, complete with gratuitous female nudity, gratuitous blood, and of course bad lighting, bad acting, and a recycled plot. Bruce Campbell’s character hasn’t evolved yet, and he’s just another actor here.

Grade: D

Spider-Man: I like the beginning of this movie, as we get the back story to Peter Parker becoming Spider-Man and I thought some of the special effects were done pretty well. But then the last-half is a CGI fest and I just really, really don’t care about any interaction between MaGuire and Dunst.

Grade: D

Oz the Great and Powerful: Even more of a disappointment than I was expecting. The story itself of how the wizard came to be is kind of interesting, and there’s a few shining moments. I think Rachel Weisz is pretty good, Mila Kunis is capable, and Bruce Campbell is fine. But there are too many uninspired performances. James Franco is never convincing as the wizard, Zach Braff plays a talking monkey, and all I could see the entire time was J.D.  Finally, Michelle Williams is really flat as Glenda, and it made me long for the smirky charm of Billie Burke. The highlight of the movie is the China Girl, a tiny little doll played endearingly by Joey King (and by the animators).  Not a big enough highlight to recommend anyone waste their time, though.

Grade: D+

The Quick and the Dead: Cheesy western that isn’t western enough or cheesy enough. Sharon Stone is laughable as the lady avenger. But there’s a charm to this movie that makes it watchable. Gene Hackman and Leonardo DiCaprio (two competing gunslingers) help that quite a bit. The premise of the movie is that this town decides it has too many live people and holds a gunslinging tournament.  I think this could have been better if written more like the Evil Dead movies; as it stands it tries to take itself seriously a few times and falls flat when it does.

Grade: C+

Evil Dead II: The scene where Bruce Campbell gets his arm cut off might be the best of Raimi’s career, and possibly the best of Bruce Campbell’s career as well. Essentially a remake of the first movie, but instead of horror, it’s now a comedy, somewhat in the vein of The Cabin in the Woods, only not quite that polished or plotted out. It’s still cheaply made, but it has several hilarious moments, and it helped Campbell find what’s he’s really good at.

Grade: C+

Army of Darkness: This…is my boomstick! The third movie in the Evil Dead series, it is now firmly placed in the comedy genre, as Campbell is set up for one quotable one-liner after another as he tries to blow up medieval zombies back to hell. The movie isn’t paced all that well, and it’s not as hilarious as the previous movie, but it’s an enormous guilty pleasure for me. Pure camp, through and through.

Grade: B

Other Sam Raimi Movies You May Have Seen

Drag Me To Hell
Spider-Man 3
The Gift
For Love of the Game
A Simple Plan
Darkman
Crimewave