Publisher: Infocom
Developer: Infocom
Year: 1986
Platform: DOS; Apple II; Amiga; et. al
Jeff O’Neill’s first game with Infocom pits the player in a circus mystery involving a kidnapping and a cast of crazy characters. O’Neill certainly brings forth his vision of the shady underbelly of circus life, and there are several puzzles apropos to the atmosphere (e.g. getting across a tightrope, taming some lions, etc.). However, the mystery itself is highly convoluted and not all that interesting.
Magnus hit all five targets on the first shot then quickly skied off. He was going to represent Finland this year, but that dream ended when the Russians invaded. His friends insisted he’d dominate the ‘44 games. Perhaps that was true, but with the blood of five Russians now on his hands, he’d never do this for medals.
K: Whoa. Strong twist, though I think it could be more personal. I’m asking a lot here, but there are 19 of you and I have to, right? Still, a very different attack on the challenge. BRONZE
MD: My former roommate is of Finnish descent, and he always brings up the skiing and shooting prowess of the Fins against the Russians. What makes this story is the recognition that our protagonist can’t possibly compete in his chosen sport for “fun” after having to do it to fight a war and survive. SILVER
W: Historical fiction? There’s some Pirate bait! This simply story shows without telling and allows Magnus to capitalize on his athletic abilities. My only quibble would be that I would probably refer to the invaders as Soviets. GOLD
Can’t believe I said Russians instead of Soviets. Thankfully, I was forgiven for that. I had already written the rough draft when I discovered that the 1940 Olympics were going to be held in Helsinki. This successful week launched me into 4th place with five stories left to go.
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Developer: Cognetics
Year: 1986
Platform: PC; Commodore 64; Apple II
Thomas M. Disch, prolific science fiction writer and reviewer, wrote a game in 1986 that infuriated me as a child. At the time, I felt the game was too difficult, though I liked the premise behind it. So about ten years later, I picked the game back up. It infuriated me. Amnesia just may be the most difficult text adventure ever put on the market. And by difficult I don’t mean that you have to battle mazes and guess what verb the author wants you to use. The game is just damn hard.
Publisher: Hue Forest
Developer: Hue Forest
Year: 1996
Platform: Windows; Macintosh
How do you take a Myst clone and get me to like it? Add a developing story, voice acting, some FMV sequences, inventory based puzzles and a suspenseful atmosphere, and that should do it. On second thought, that doesn’t sound much at all like a Myst clone; rather, it sounds like a promising game.
She hands me a glass of iced tea and kisses my forehead. The radio crackles: “Sunny and mild, no chance of rain.” Sounds like my wife.
“Thank God for crop insurance!” she says blithely. I offer a half-grin.
I wait ‘til she’s fully inside before kicking the ground. Hard. Clouds of dust choke me. She doesn’t fucking get it.
K: So is wifey naive and sunny to a fault, or is our narrator just a dick who never learned to love her properly? I think it can be both, and their weaknesses (we can call hers something else, if you please) make for an interesting dynamic I’d like to spend more time with. SILVER
MD: I don’t get it, either. My impression is that this guy sees his farm and his wife as the same barren disappointments, strangling his sense of life and hope. That’s kinda how my husband views his wife, too. BRONZE
W: A nice slice of life, but the story seems a little hollow. Can someone say something blithely in a way that also requires an explanation point?
I fall to 6th place in the standings, but am more satisfied in my story this week. I’ve met my character many times. I’ve never been able to identify with the personality of a farmer, but I’m glad I’ve been able to meet many and learn about them.
Deity Vocational Questionnaire (True deities only! Demigods, turn to page 17)
1. How long does it take you to create a universe?
a. billions of years
b. six days, then hoo-boy am I tired!
c. As long as I goddam feel like2. (Essay Question) Some living things will deny your existence. How do you feel about killing them?
K: Yikes. That’s hopefully as cynical as these get. It’s an okay joke that probably works better with a lot more words.
MD: Straight, to the point, and made me smile. Especially the last question. GOLD
W: I smirked, but I don’t think I got much farther. C, of course, is the right answer to question 1. Meh is probably the right answer to question 2.
I was not inspired this time around and consider myself lucky to walk away with a gold. Out of the field of 19, I am currently in 5th place with seven weeks to go.
Date of Death: May 11, 2001
Age: 49
Cause of Death: Heart Attack
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
2001 was sure a bad year for 49 year-old celebrities I liked.
My first taste of Douglas Adams came with Bureaucracy, one of my favorite computer games. I then read the entire Hitchhiker series in college. It wasn’t a month after I finished Mostly Harmless that I learned of his death. I began to scavenge anything else I could read of his, including his on-line presence. I bought The Salmon of Doubt (an amalgamation of different writings he hadn’t published) as soon as it came out and grew more sad that he was taken so young.
Adams was an unapologetic atheist, but he was never cynical or angry about it. He had the ability to make friends with just about anyone. He seemed to be a genuinely bright, happy person who had a zest for new experiences. He did radio (Hitchhiker and Dr. Who), video games, books, played piano and guitar, and was an environmental activist. He was also a pioneer for Mac’s presence in Europe, and apparently was the first European to own a Mac.
It would have been nice for Adams to see his Hitchhiker movie come to life. It would have been nice for him to enjoy another lifetime.
Date of Death: February 18, 2001
Age: 49
Cause of Death: Racing Accident
When I was young I thought racing was incredibly boring, you know, the old joke about watching cars go around in a circle. Then my father introduced me to the personality of Dale Earnhardt. He was know as “The Intimidator.” While I liked his competitive spirit, I think it was more than just his racing attitude that drew me to him. Out of the car, he was quiet, reserved. When he did talk, he was coy, but honest. At the beginning of his career, he was widely hated by other drivers because of his arrogance; as he grew older, the arrogance completely faded and he became just as widely respected for his commitment to the sport and his level-headedness.
Part of me thinks I really liked the guy because he reminded me of my father. They were the same age with similar temperaments and humor. They also both loved to ride bumpers of anyone in their way. Regardless, I almost never missed a race from 1995 to 2001. I played NASCAR 2 for the computer, and once went to the NASCAR simulator at the Mall of America. I even played fantasy NASCAR one year. The sport surpassed my love for baseball.
And then it all collapsed. 2001 was hopefully going to be a comeback year for Dale, who hadn’t won a cup in many years. His team was strong. Down the final stretch of the Daytona 500, he was following teammate Michael Waltrip and his son Dale Jr to the finish line. And then what looked like a ho-hum spin-out into the wall led to instant death as his neck snapped.
I haven’t seen a race since.
My grandma cried that day, and she was not one to get wrapped up in celebrities, save Stan Musial when she was a kid. I called my dad to make sure he was doing okay. It was a very bizarre time, feeling so wrapped up with this man we never met whose main contribution to society was driving around in a circle.
If you’ve been counting, we’ve reached ten celebrities. But along the way I had added one I forgot about. So come back tomorrow for number one.
Misty had always used her beach volleyball skills to make the world a better place. Now she was using them to survive. Who knew that zombies loved the game so?
She had long ago lost her partner (and her ability to spike), but as she decapitated a corpse for her one-thousandth consecutive ace, she knew she would love again.
K: I love this payoff. It’s so amusingly frank when zombie writers tend to go for tedious, forced terror at almost every turn. If this is the world, this is the world! People adapt. Anyway, another very good entry. I wondered if volleyball would appear. SILVER
MD: The absurdity makes me giggle. SILVER
W: This is exactly the sort of outside the box thinking I was hoping we would see with some of these occupations. I’ve never been one for the zombie-craze, and I think this story could work just as well about a volleyball player without an apocalypse. BRONZE
Date of Death: April 4, 2013
Age: 70
Cause of Death: Cancer
I don’t think I officially appreciated Ebert until I was in my mid-twenties, when my taste in movies finally caught up with his. It got to the point that I would exclusively look at his review when debating whether or not to see a movie I was on the fence about, because I almost always agreed with him. I always admired his dedication and his passion for his job. He was never cynical about what he was doing. Sometimes his reviews could be scathing or his opinions about the directors cynical, but you could tell he loved every minute of the review process (and compared to many critics, like Leonard Maltin, he never believed the golden age of film was in the past; he was always excited for the future). Hell, the guy continued to pump out multiple reviews per week after he lost his voice and most of his ability to move his body. He even wrote a blog post saying goodbye to everyone just two days before his death.
While I don’t watch as many movies as I used to, I appreciate them more, and that’s thanks in part to Ebert. Through his writing I appreciate things I used to ignore, and not be so forgiving of lazy filmmaking. And he occasionally made me laugh, too. We all saw his death coming for 11 years, but his death meant no more movie reviews. I wonder if I’ll ever find another critic I enjoy so much.
Death By Troggles 
You must be logged in to post a comment.