Synopsis:  Daimon Bok of the Ferengi wants to give Picard his old ship, the Stargazer, as a gift.  Yeeeeah.  Riiiiight.

Memory Alpha Summary:  All ears

Review:  If you didn’t hate Wesley before this episode, you do now.  But we’ll get back to that.

After Picard gets a headache, Dr. Crusher preaches some more about how headaches and the common cold are pussified problems for 20^th century folk.  I’m also noticing that Picard has a terrible habit of finishing everyone’s sentences in season one.  While he’s always right, it’s a demeaning, controlling habit employed by a lot of supervisors and it’s beginning to annoy me.

All right, back to Wesley.  First off, he tells everyone that he was “playing around with the sensors” as if he has any business doing so in the first place.  More disturbingly, how in the hell does he have access?  But the true tragedy comes when it is established that the entire crew, despite knowing that the Ferengi are conniving assholes, cannot complete the simplest of investigations as to what’s going wrong with Picard.  Wesley “glances” at the brain scans of Picard, recognizing them as looking similar to transmissions that are coming from the Ferengi ship.  The doctor couldn’t figure this out.  The freaking super-smart android couldn’t figure this out.  No, Wesley saves the day, then cements his reputation with “Heh, adults.”  Congratulations Roddenberry, you just ruined one of your characters.

Stewart does his best, acting the part of a man hallucinating past memories.  And Riker has a pretty awesome conversation with Bok’s first officer.   But this plot is threadbare to begin with.  At least this episode gave us “The Picard Maneuver,” something Beverly sadly never gets to see in private.

Synopsis:  Tasha kicks some ass for her first (and only) time, though it’s on a jungle gym with creepy men ogling her.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Understand the proper value of women

Review:  This episode is near universally abhorred, and rightfully so.  Not only does it run the risk of appearing racist, it is horribly acted and logically flawed.  It is the first mention of the big bad Prime Directive in TNG, despite the fact it is irrelevant to this episode.  After Tasha is kidnapped, Picard states that he cannot just overpower them and take her, for fear of violating the directive.  What the fuck?  They kidnapped her!  No cultural norm can be an excuse for harming another person, and the Enterprise would have every right to simply move in and take her back.  The real reason they don’t intervene is because they know if they do, they get no vaccine and millions of people die.   Yes, the directive keeps them from stealing the vaccine, but it is also possible that their adversaries would destroy it if they tried.

I do give the writers some credit, though.  When Picard is negotiating, he eventually learns that no amount of righteousness will get him what he wants (which would mean NO treaty, NO vaccine, and NO Lieutenant Yar!), and that he must meet his adversaries where they are in order to work with them.  This is a valuable lesson for anyone working with cultures that seem backwards to them.

There’s also a great moment where Picard gives a speech about how awful humans were in the 20th century, then apologizes to everyone for preaching to the choir.  It’s too bad the rest of the crew doesn’t take his cue for the next few seasons.

Synopsis:  Riker nearly dies, either from a malevolent vine or from being in a clip show.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Bye Bye Pulaski

Review:   I don’t hate this episode quite as much as most people, though it ‘s far from good.  I’m not sure a clip show can ever be good (there are plenty of cheap ways to do bottle episodes), though this one does its best for the first half hour.  There’s actually several funny exchanges between Riker and his crew mates.  And transporter Chief O’Brien freaks out Pulaski by telling her he “hopes” he’s got the right coordinates.  But the last half is nearly all clips, supposedly all Riker memories even though none of the clips are from his point of view and a few don’t even take place in the same room as he. Utterly embarrassing.

What hurts this episode even more is that it’s the final episode of season two.  I know the writer’s strike messed up their original intentions (especially since season two was the only one that didn’t have 26 episodes), but Peak Performance would have been a much nicer send-off.  Not simply because of quality, but because it actually has continuity with season three by discussing the Borg threat.

Synopsis:  Data dreams, Worf screams

Memory Alpha Summary:  Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Review:  The worst two-parter during the series run, Birthright is a little bit of bad, but mostly boring, from beginning to end.  We visit Deep Space Nine, presumably to help integrate fans.  Except for a rather banal cameo by Dr. Bashir, you hardly know they even visited.  Data has some dreams which are kind of trippy, but there’s little emotional resonance with the experience and the subplot is completely dropped for part two.  It really does seem like filler.  Then you get Worf, who rants and raves like a stupid Klingon until Troi reminds him of the many contradictions inherent in Klingon culture.  We wait in anticipation for Worf finding his suddenly alive father…but wait, he’s dead, just like we thought all along.   Then when he finds out Romulans and Klingons dare live in peace somewhere, every racist thought he has ever had comes out in full force.  Just a few episodes ago, we had Picard telling a Cardassian that teaching young ones to hate others will only breed more hate, and Worf spends a good deal of time trying to convince these Klingons to hate Romulans, just because they are.  He slightly redeems himself by the end, but I just tire of how immature the writers make Worf seem every time an episode is about him.  His character at times reminds me of {edit: King of Queens}, where so many episodes involve him being a pompous ass for twenty minutes then making things all better at the end.  Worf should have his faults, but his character should grow as well.

While in many respects Birthright isn’t as bad as some of the episodes coming up, it’s twice as long so I hate it twice as much.

Synopsis:  The Enterprise crew finally meet the vicious, human-devouring Ferengi.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Read it if you dare, HU-mon!

Review:  For three episodes we heard about the scary new adversary the Federation had never met but had heard frightening rumors about.  And thanks to somebody, the Ferengi were fucked up so badly here that it took Armin Shimmerman several years to  get them back to respectability.  Despite their awful presentation, the first half of this show is actually pretty decent.  There is some genuine tension building, as it appears the Ferengi are powerful and are yet silently watching the Enterprise.  Sadly, this goes to hell once they beam down to the planet, as this group of Ferengi are whiny, wimpy, and are so awful at lying that it doesn’t matter that Troi can’t read their thoughts.  The moderately intriguing conversation Riker has with the guardian of an ancient civilization is wasted because of the Ferengi presence.

Sadly, the other thing this episode does is begin to show how pointless the character of Tasha Yar will be.  Essentially we have two “shoot first, ask questions later” security officers in Tasha and Worf, and Worf is easily the most interesting of the two (if only at this point because he’s Klingon and provides some comic relief).   I literally laughed out loud when Picard asks for suggestions and Worf says, “Hit ‘em fast and hit ‘em hard!”

Geordi is also an embarrassment in this episode, with his “WOO-WEE!” attitude on the bridge every time he gets turned on by an idea or an explosion.  Thankfully, Data manages to make the Chinese finger trap gag amusing.  This episode is so bad as it is that the finger trap bit feels mature in comparison.

Synopsis:  Since holodeck dating didn’t work, Geordi tries his hand at reading the intimate diaries of murder suspects.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Get your voyeurism fix

Review:   My word.  Not only do we have Geordi (in season six, no less) acting extremely unethical at every turn because a girl finally likes him, he is more or less absolved by all of his actions at the end because the real killer turns out to be the dog (since, of course, humans don’t murder anyone in the 24^th century).  But the real offense comes when the script ignores the fact that Aquiel’s actions following the murder (including evading arrest and destroying evidence) are still indefensible!  She should still get a court martial…and heck, Geordi should, too, for tampering with an investigation.  This episode’s moderately intelligent mystery just winds up being gross.

Synopsis: A bunch of men wave their dicks in hopes of buying a wormhole, and Troi falls in love with one of them.

Memory Alpha Summary: I’ll be your conscience.  Stay away.

Review:  This episode gives me the willies.  First, Ral is creepy to my non-Betazoid senses, and I find no part of him charming or attractive.  Thus, Troi falling for him weakens her character instead of strengthening it.  Then, Crusher tells Troi “Who needs rational when your toes curl!”  Okay, except the guy who’s curling her toes is a manipulative douchebag.  The one scene I love is the exchange between Ral and Riker.  Ral gets in a great dig at Riker being perpetually second in command, while Riker gets him back by challenging his ability to make a woman happy.

Did I mention the Ferengi are involved?  They don’t help things either.

Because I can’t help myself, I’ll introduce you all to a pet peeve of mine.  Picard refers to the wormhole as a “proverbial lemon.”  There is no proverb here.  It’s just a metaphor.

I’ll be off the grid for a couple days.  Happy Thanksgiving to all.  We’ll kick off the Top 160 next Monday.

Synopsis:  Tasha kicks the bucket.

Memory Alpha Summary:  Take some Metamucil first

Review:  Poor Tasha begins the episode by discussing a ship wide MMA tournament she is planning. Not only would this have been awesome for Denise Crosby (who bemoaned the lack of action she had for a security officer), it would have been awesome for us viewers as well.  I am guessing the inevitable Tasha vs. Worf championship showdown would have ended with Worf flat on his back (as usual) and Tasha winning despite displaying no apparent skill.

What we get instead is a black monster who is all things Cthulhu, only not scary.  Tasha gets one of the most anticlimactic death scenes in the history of television.  If we cared deeply for her, then such a death would be moving, and sincere.  But we don’t, so it’s not.  And then we find out she has a prepared holographic speech to give to all of her friends in case she died in the line of duty.  If Tasha’s character had any depth, it would be heart wrenching.  But she doesn’t, so it’s not.  In her speech we find out about all the deep friendships she had with everyone on the crew despite the viewers never seeing any evidence of them to this point.  She tells Data he looks at the world like a child does, which is essentially an epic smackdown of his sexual prowess.  The most telling statement she has is for Worf, saying they are “so much alike.”  Yup, that’s the first season for ya.

Synopsis:  Riker’s father wants to kiss and make up  (with him, not with Pulaski, whom he apparently kissed and “made up” with a long time ago). Meanwhile, Riker considers taking command of another ship just to get away from his anger.  Worf copes with his anger by engaging in masochism.

Memory Alpha Review:  Read it, or hit yourself with a painstik.  Same result.

Review:  In case you haven’t noticed, not a single episode featuring Wesley has made the countdown yet.  That changes today, though not because of him.

This episode tries desperately to provide emotional depth to two characters while completely forgetting to make it emotional.   Both Riker and Worf are supposed to be angry and resentful, but it never feels real.  Whether that’s the script or Roddenberry’s poor handling of any negative emotion is up for debate, but this is just really ham-handed.  The anger, the outbursts, the make-up sex (in adorable red and blue suits)…it all feels shallow.   A couple of great lines by O’Brien kept me from falling asleep and this episode from showing up last week.