Fiction 59–Observer

She hands me a glass of iced tea and kisses my forehead. The radio crackles: “Sunny and mild, no chance of rain.” Sounds like my wife.

“Thank God for crop insurance!” she says blithely. I offer a half-grin.

I wait ‘til she’s fully inside before kicking the ground. Hard. Clouds of dust choke me. She doesn’t fucking get it.

K: So is wifey naive and sunny to a fault, or is our narrator just a dick who never learned to love her properly? I think it can be both, and their weaknesses (we can call hers something else, if you please) make for an interesting dynamic I’d like to spend more time with. SILVER

MD: I don’t get it, either. My impression is that this guy sees his farm and his wife as the same barren disappointments, strangling his sense of life and hope. That’s kinda how my husband views his wife, too. BRONZE

W: A nice slice of life, but the story seems a little hollow. Can someone say something blithely in a way that also requires an explanation point?

I fall to 6th place in the standings, but am more satisfied in my story this week. I’ve met my character many times. I’ve never been able to identify with the personality of a farmer, but I’m glad I’ve been able to meet many and learn about them.

Fiction 59–Deity

Deity Vocational Questionnaire (True deities only! Demigods, turn to page 17)

1. How long does it take you to create a universe?

a. billions of years
b. six days, then hoo-boy am I tired!
c. As long as I goddam feel like

2. (Essay Question) Some living things will deny your existence. How do you feel about killing them?

K: Yikes. That’s hopefully as cynical as these get. It’s an okay joke that probably works better with a lot more words.

MD: Straight, to the point, and made me smile. Especially the last question. GOLD

W: I smirked, but I don’t think I got much farther. C, of course, is the right answer to question 1. Meh is probably the right answer to question 2.

I was not inspired this time around and consider myself lucky to walk away with a gold. Out of the field of 19, I am currently in 5th place with seven weeks to go.

Douglas Adams

Date of Death: May 11, 2001
Age: 49
Cause of Death: Heart Attack

In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 

2001 was sure a bad year for 49 year-old celebrities I liked.

My first taste of Douglas Adams came with Bureaucracy, one of my favorite computer games. I then read the entire Hitchhiker series in college. It wasn’t a month after I finished Mostly Harmless that I learned of his death. I began to scavenge anything else I could read of his, including his on-line presence. I bought The Salmon of Doubt  (an amalgamation of different writings he hadn’t published) as soon as it came out and grew more sad that he was taken so young.

Adams was an unapologetic atheist, but he was never cynical or angry about it. He had the ability to make friends with just about anyone. He seemed to be a genuinely bright, happy person who had a zest for new experiences. He did radio (Hitchhiker and Dr. Who), video games, books, played piano and guitar, and was an environmental activist. He was also a pioneer for Mac’s presence in Europe, and apparently was the first European to own a Mac.

It would have been nice for Adams to see his Hitchhiker movie come to life. It would have been nice for him to enjoy another lifetime.

Dale Earnhardt

Date of Death: February 18, 2001
Age: 49
Cause of Death: Racing Accident

When I was young I thought racing was incredibly boring, you know, the old joke about watching cars go around in a circle. Then my father introduced me to the personality of Dale Earnhardt. He was know as “The Intimidator.” While I liked his competitive spirit, I think it was more than just his racing attitude that drew me to him. Out of the car, he was quiet, reserved. When he did talk, he was coy, but honest. At the beginning of his career, he was widely hated by other drivers because of his arrogance; as he grew older, the arrogance completely faded and he became just as widely respected for his commitment to the sport and his level-headedness.

Part of me thinks I really liked the guy because he reminded me of my father. They were the same age with similar temperaments and humor. They also both loved to ride bumpers of anyone in their way. Regardless, I almost never missed a race from 1995 to 2001. I played NASCAR 2 for the computer, and once went to the NASCAR simulator at the Mall of America. I even played fantasy NASCAR one year. The sport surpassed my love for baseball.

And then it all collapsed. 2001 was hopefully going to be a comeback year for Dale, who hadn’t won a cup in many years. His team was strong. Down the final stretch of the Daytona 500, he was following teammate Michael Waltrip and his son Dale Jr to the finish line. And then what looked like a ho-hum spin-out into the wall led to instant death as his neck snapped.

I haven’t seen a race since.

My grandma cried that day, and she was not one to get wrapped up in celebrities, save Stan Musial when she was a kid. I called my dad to make sure he was doing okay. It was a very bizarre time, feeling so wrapped up with this man we never met whose main contribution to society was driving around in a circle.

If you’ve been counting, we’ve reached ten celebrities. But along the way I had added one I forgot about. So come back tomorrow for number one.

Fiction 59–Server

Misty had always used her beach volleyball skills to make the world a better place. Now she was using them to survive. Who knew that zombies loved the game so?

She had long ago lost her partner (and her ability to spike), but as she decapitated a corpse for her one-thousandth consecutive ace, she knew she would love again.

K: I love this payoff. It’s so amusingly frank when zombie writers tend to go for tedious, forced terror at almost every turn. If this is the world, this is the world! People adapt. Anyway, another very good entry. I wondered if volleyball would appear. SILVER

MD: The absurdity makes me giggle. SILVER

W: This is exactly the sort of outside the box thinking I was hoping we would see with some of these occupations. I’ve never been one for the zombie-craze, and I think this story could work just as well about a volleyball player without an apocalypse. BRONZE

Roger Ebert

Date of Death: April 4, 2013
Age: 70
Cause of Death: Cancer

I don’t think I officially appreciated Ebert until I was in my mid-twenties, when my taste in movies finally caught up with his. It got to the point that I would exclusively look at his review when debating whether or not to see a movie I was on the fence about, because I almost always agreed with him. I always admired his dedication and his passion for his job. He was never cynical about what he was doing. Sometimes his reviews could be scathing or his opinions about the directors cynical, but you could tell he loved every minute of the review process (and compared to many critics, like Leonard Maltin, he never believed the golden age of film was in the past; he was always excited for the future). Hell, the guy continued to pump out multiple reviews per week after he lost his voice and most of his ability to move his body. He even wrote a blog post saying goodbye to everyone just two days before his death. 

While I don’t watch as many movies as I used to, I appreciate them more, and that’s thanks in part to Ebert. Through his writing I appreciate things I used to ignore, and not be so forgiving of lazy filmmaking. And he occasionally made me laugh, too. We all saw his death coming for 11 years, but his death meant no more movie reviews. I wonder if I’ll ever find another critic I enjoy so much.

Jim Croce

Date of Death: September 20, 1973
Age: 30
Cause of Death: Plane Crash

The only person on the list to die before I was born. My father had told me multiple times the story about how he had tickets to see Croce in concert shortly before his plane crashed. It never hit me until I actually listened to his albums just a couple of years ago. His voice was smooth as silk and he was a master folk lyricist. He said he was retiring after that tour, so perhaps we never would have had more Croce albums to listen to, but somehow I doubt it.

Fiction 59–Gravedigger

I have started playing in another contest of Fiction 59 stories. There will be ten stories to write, all 59 words or less, all having to do with one profession or another. There are twenty contestants, and the top six scores (based on the Olympic medal system) after ten weeks go to a playoff.

The first week’s prompt was to write about a gravedigger. Judges comments below.

Hazel’s arthritic hands could barely affix the grave marker.

“You were the most precious kitty,” she wept. “I’ll never forget you.” She stepped back to admire her work.

Sadie XCIX
2013-2014

Whiskers brushed her leg. For the last time, purring broke her silence.

“There, there Sadie.” Hazel scratched her behind the ears. “I’ve saved room for you, too.”

K: I assume Hazel’s burying them because she’s about to die? The darkness works best if I make that assumption, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Or she might just be crazy, given the insane number of Sadies, which is also fun. GOLD

MD: This made me laugh mostly because I was expecting another soon-to-be-offing-herself widow story and, instead, Hazel’s burying her cat. There is so much hiding between the lines in this story. It’s a good use of 59 words, even if the concept is kinda silly. She’s buried thousands of cats, all named Sadie, and apparently this one only lasted a year. She’s saving room for the other Sadie, who is, for some reason, WITH her at the gravesite. She had a gravestone especially made for her bazillionth dead Sadie. It’s all so absurd. BRONZE

W: Full confession for the rest of the competition: in my mind, six feet under is the best place for almost all cats. Bonus points for killling a cat, hinting at the deaths of 98 other cats, and implying the future death of a cat, but it’s just not quite enough for me.

 

Phil Hartman

Date of Death: May 28, 1998
Age: 49
Cause of Death: Murder

I was a moderate fan of Hartman while he was on SNL. I was an avid fan of his role on The Simpsons as Troy McClure (and others). I was an enormous fan once he hit NewsRadio. I didn’t realize how much he made that show until he died. I pretty much stopped watching it afterwards, especially since it meant more screen time for Andy Dick. In fact, I don’t think I’ve regularly watched a situational comedy week in and week out since NewsRadio. Granted, I’m older now, and there is also Netflix, but I really looked forward to seeing Bill McNeil. And I’m still pissed that he’s gone.

George Carlin

Date of Death: June 22, 2008
Age: 71
Cause of Death: Heart Failure

The oldest death in this list. I more or less worshiped at the comedic altar of Carlin when I was a teenager. I found his general disdain for all authority very appealing, and his crazy antics made me laugh without fail. I saw two of his HBO specials live (You Are All Diseased and Life Is Worth Losing), and watched his final special about three weeks before he passed.

His death was not the least bit a surprise. He had three heart attacks, multiple angioplasties, and long-term chemical addictions. I actually thought he wouldn’t make it to 70. His last special, while funny, was also kind of sad to watch. He stuttered a lot, lost his place a couple of times, and just looked really tired. Despite this, it still hit me when I heard the news. You just knew the guy would do specials until he died, and I was hoping he’d be providing comedy for a long time.

That said, I don’t really watch his stuff anymore. I’m older and his stuff just doesn’t resonate with me like it did when I was younger. I’m less cynical about people now and I tend to appreciate comedians who are more laid back and smile while doing their jokes. But he inspired Louis C.K., who I think has taken the best of Carlin’s act and improved it three-fold. So thanks, George.