All posts by Beau

Play With The Prose II, Challenge 12: Un-English

This week we had to write a 59-word story with a character that didn’t speak any English.

Mandi gave it her best, moaning and writhing at the appropriate moments.  She was nervous.  It was her first porn scene, and without a good performance in Sweden, she’d never make big money in L.A.  Her partner was a veteran, but she took the lead.  “Talk dirty to me!” Mandi panted.

“Yorn desh born de umn bork! bork! bork!”

MATTHEW: Oh man, story 2. Nice little set-up there. I didn’t see any of it coming, no pun intended. I wasn’t blown away by either story, but #1 had more interesting stuff going for it. WINNER: #1

ANDY: Nice job, you two. I really enjoyed both. This is going to be another tough one. I mean really, how do compare drama and comedy. I was going to give the win to #1, who really painted a nice scene and gave us a neat, compact story. But I can’t stop laughing at the Swedish Chef in a porno. Sorry. Winner: #2.

Novak – #2 got me laughing pretty  Playing to me with the Muppets there… I even read it out loud to my wife (who can resist a chance to do the Swedish Chef voice?).  It’s solid comedy.  #2 wins.

Result vs. Pete BruzekWIN (2-1)

Current Record: 8-4

Next Match-Up: Erik S (8-4)

So I had several ideas that I tossed around and none of them worked.  So my wife says, “How about the Swedish Chef?”  And I reply, “How about the Swedish Porn Chef?”  I couldn’t resist, and it looks like a couple of the judges couldn’t either.

I’m tied with two others for third place, but there are three more just one win behind, so no resting on my laurels.

18: Kid Icarus

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Nintendo; Tose
Publisher: Nintendo
Year: 1987

Basic Idea: Develop a life-long aversion to eggplants and cure your fear of Medusa.

Review:  Kid Icarus has long been considered Metroid’s less-regarded little brother, and despite entirely different worlds and gameplay, the games are similar in countless ways.  Both were highly innovative and both had parts that were maddening.

You play as a boy with useless wings who must use his bow and arrow to defeat the evil Medusa who’s done something evil or something.  There are 13 levels, including three dungeons and Medusa’s hangout.  Fighting through hordes (and I mean hordes) of enemies, you must upgrade your life bar and abilities by dispensing of said enemies.  Upgrades aren’t found, they are earned.  Better arrows, more health, long-shot, and defensive protection are all based on your points or fighting contests you can participate in.  There are shops where you can buy temporary items, like health potions, or feathers that save you from falling deaths.  If you’re lucky you can even win a credit card that allows you to buy something you can’t afford and pay off your debt later.

What turns off a lot of gamers is how difficult the game is at first.  While you have infinite lives (and a password system), every time you die you have to begin at the very beginning of whatever level you’re on, and without any of the upgrades you got in the meantime.  The game isn’t insanely hard at the beginning, but it is hard with virtually no learning curve.  Falling deaths occur frequently until one learns the level layouts and jumping tricks.  And the reapers will annoy many a first-timer.  The first dungeon can be a bear if you haven’t made any upgrades, but getting past each level is satisfying.

What turns off many other gamers, including me, is how insanely easy the game becomes about half-way through.  Assuming you haven’t avoided every enemy you’ve run into and bothered to get an upgrade or two, there’s little challenge in the last half of the game.  The enemies never become more difficult, so as your upgrades improve, the challenge goes with it.  The game’s worst sin is that regardless of your upgrades, Medusa is the easiest final boss in the history of gaming.  There are two safe spots where she cannot hit you, so defeating her feels hollow. If the game was remotely challenging in the last half, this game would be top ten.

My favorite part of the game is the dungeons.  The music is awesome and learning each level’s maze is fun.  You have the option, like in The Legend of Zelda, of acquiring a map and other items to track your way, but they’re unnecessary.  There are centurions that have been turned to stone, and if you free them with a hammer, they will join you in your fight against the dungeon’s boss, which is pretty sweet.  But certainly the best part of the game are the eggplant wizards.  They shoot eggplants at you, and if they hit you, you literally turn into an eggplant and must find your way, defenseless, to a nurse in the dungeon who will heal you.  While it can be rage-inducing to be hit by one, it represents one of the game’s few challenges and is kind of funny on top of it.  The bosses are a bit on the easy side, but they’re fun to battle with.

Like Metroid, it would be hard to recommend Kid Icarus to a younger generation.  There’s just too many flaws.  But it also instilled me with many great memories and I enjoy playing it every few years or so.

Play With The Prose II, Challenge 11: Mall Santa

So, this week our challenge was to write a 59-word story about a mall Santa.  I misread the prompt and wrote a story about the mythical Santa.  Let’s see what happened.

Leaving Old Country Buffet, Santa continued his search for an heir.  Many a naughty girl had received the gift of his jolly seed, but the offspring refused to come north when they became of age.  Where could he find a woman willing to send her child away, never to return?  Passing an Army recruiting office, he got an idea.

MATTHEW: Both of you should be disgusted with yourselves. In the best way. What tips this one for me is the fact that at this point, neither story is all that surprising, despite the inherent surprise behind a complaining Santa and a lecherous Santa…except for the addition of the Army recruiting office at the end of Story 2. I don’t know exactly where it’d go from there, but I like the possibilities. WINNER: #2

Novak –  #2 is a funny dilemma.  Heck, it’s just funny (OCB, etc.).  And I’m glad there’s some semblance of resolution too, as it would have fallen short without that.  #2 wins.

ANDY: Oooh, tough one. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long to get a “naughty Santa” story. I get the sense that the Santa in #2 is the real Santa, and not a department store Santa. Does he just think he’s the real Santa? . I think I’m going to give this one to #2 in a close call.

Result vs. Will YoungWIN (3-0)

Current Record: 7-4

Next Match-Up: Pete Bruzek (2-9)

So, my horny and lonely Santa turned into a rapist Santa when he’s interpreted to be a mall Santa. Either way, it was well received.  Not my favorite entry of the year, but I felt the gags worked just enough.  As of this writing, I would be in the playoffs if the season ended today.  Four weeks left, with the final three being against contestants in 1st, 3rd, and 7th place, so it’s crunch-time.

19: Metroid

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
Year: 1986

Basic Idea: Play for countless hours to achieve a perfect game so you can see an 8-bit heroine in a bikini.

Review:  I’m not sure there’s another game on the NES that I can come up with equally long lists of everything that is both awesome and horrible about it.  I spent many an hour on this game in my youth and enjoyed it immensely, but I really can’t stomach it for long today.

It’s an immense game with significant non-linearity.  Considering you are given zero direction on where to go or what to do, this would frustrate me to no end today, but it also allowed a freedom rarely seen in 1986, so I was stoked.  Exploring the expansive worlds was a treat and I didn’t mind making maps to keep track of all the twists and turns.  Discovering secret areas or figuring out how to use bombs to take shortcuts were awesome experiences.  The various power-ups are sweet, including the much desired ice beam and awesome screw attack.  The music is decent.  The final area’s music–where the metroids and Mother Brain hang out–is incredibly haunting.  And while the graphics and enemies are fairly unimpressive (no backgrounds!) given the technology at the time, at least they’re consistent with the game’s theme throughout.

The game’s problems, unfortunately, are numerous and make the game feel really dated.  The hit recoil is irritating and often sends Samus into lava pits.  Controlling her during a spinning jump can also be a bear, especially if you didn’t intend for her to spin in the first place.  Enemies can fly through the doors, causing your life to deplete even though you’re doing nothing but waiting for the game to scroll.  Timing jumps using your bombs can be endlessly frustrating.  The area bosses are also disappointing, as they do little but shoot hundreds of projectiles at you and there is really no other way to defeat them other than having a lot of life and just pounding away at them (or, against Ridley, having a lot of life and hiding in the lava pit).  And don’t get me started on the final room where Mother Brain resides, where you not only have to avoid a massive assault and regenerating barriers, but intensive slowdown due to the game’s RAM issues.

Super Metroid is amazing and fixed nearly every problem with this game, so it’s even harder to go back and play this one today.  I know it sounds like I’m mostly complaining about it, but it is ranked #19 on the countdown for a reason.  It’s epic.  It’s great features remain great today.  But it would be hard to recommend it to someone born after 1987.

 

 

20: Mega Man II

Genre: Platformer

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Year: 1988

Basic Idea: Defeat Dr. Wily for the second of infinity times.

Review: I feel kind of dirty ranking this game all the way down at #20.  Most people have it in their top five, and many more have it as their favorite  game of all time.  It is probably hurt by the fact I didn’t have this game as a child and couldn’t obsess over it for years.  I can’t really explain why the game doesn’t move me like it moves others.  But the game is more or less perfect at what it does, and I did enjoy myself quite a bit while playing, so I have no qualms about having it in my top 20.

For those who aren’t aware, you basically control a robotic man equipped with a laser cannon for an arm.  You must traverse several levels in standard platformer style, defeat a boss, then defeat the big bad boss at the end.  What pleased a lot of people (and something I don’t personally care about) is that you can tackle the levels in any order you wish.  There is more than one optimal path through the game, as finishing some levels sooner will give you power-ups that will make other levels easier. While this gives the game replayability in a sense, it doesn’t do much for me as once I win a game, I have little desire to do so in a different manner unless there’s a true alternate path.  For an extreme example, there is a FAQ on how to win Final Fantasy VI while not giving equipment to any player.  If I’m going to play the game again, I’d rather just play it regular and enjoy the story.  Finding a slightly different way to get to the end just for a different challenge does not intrigue me.

That said, the game mechanics are flawless.  Mega Man always does everything you ask him to.  It is a difficult game.  If you have trouble with Super Mario Bros. this game will give you fits.  But it’s not impossible, and way more fair than the first game in the series.  Patience is rewarded, as taking time to use your special abilities (such as levitating platforms) while also conserving them is key to making progress.

The level designs are very creative, the colors bright and inviting.  The music is consistently amazing and a perfect fit for the game.  I am not alone in feeling the series peaked on the NES with this game, and the final four games are mostly derivative.  You certainly don’t need to play the first game in the series to enjoy Mega Man II; in fact, you’re better off skipping it altogether.

21: Baseball Simulator 1.000

Genre: Baseball

Developer: Culture Brain
Publisher: Culture Brain
Year: 1989

Basic Idea:  Finally, a baseball game where cheaters win!

Review:  My favorite baseball game for the NES, Baseball Simulator 1.000 combines solid regular baseball action with awesome power-ups and an ability to create new leagues with custom-made players and a full-season mode.  Pretty much everything one would want in a game is here, and unlike Baseball Stars, the play control isn’t maddening.  While the diving and jumping functions could be better, they are there and are easy to use.

Playing with power-ups can be a blast, especially since you have a limited amount of points to use per game, so you must ration out your super-powers.  The game has pretty much every power-up imaginable, from cannonballs, phantom balls, rocket hits, earthquake balls, tornado pitches, and zig-zag hits, to laser throws, and super high jumping on defense.  You can even select them at the last second, fooling the pitcher or batter.  Hilarity may ensue as you watch your fielders try clumsily to catch a ball that can’t be caught, or your hitter’s bat break if he doesn’t hit the sweet spot of a super pitch.

However, if all the game was crazy antics, it would get old quick.  Season-mode is done to near perfection.  While only six teams are available in a league, there’s really no need for more.  You can determine the length of your season, even play 162 games if you’re up to it.  And each team in a league is fully customizable, from the team’s name to your player’s names, handedness, and their abilities which you’re given an allotment for.  You can even create your own super league and provide players with their own super-abilities.

The gameplay is crisp, about as good as it gets for the NES.  Fielding and throwing are a breeze. Pitching is pretty standard, though unlike a lot of games, fastballs are actually really fast and you have to have quick reflexes.

Another great feature is the variety of stadiums you can play in.  My favorite is Harbor, as you can hit the ball into the ocean or even make a ship blow its horn if you hit it.  There’s also Town, which has some Yankee stadium like fences in left and right where even pitchers can hit homers.  Space, while unfortunately having normal gravity, is also a homer haven with no foul ball room.

My only real criticism of the game, which isn’t unique to this system, is that the CPU is far too easy to beat.  Thus, playing by one’s self can get old pretty quick.  We played as a family, creating our own leagues and obsessing over the stats.

The sequel for the Super Nintendo is improved in several ways, especially with the editing functions, so it’s certainly worth a look if you love this game.

22: R.C. Pro-Am

Genre: Racing

Developer: Rare
Publisher: Nintendo
Year: 1988

Basic Idea: Sneer at the pink car after you accidentally pick up the bombs instead of the missiles.

Review: Easily Rare’s best game (i.e. not frustrating as hell) on the NES, R.C. Pro-Am was probably the first racing game that had any lasting appeal and remains my favorite of the type on the NES.  Pitting your remote control car against three computer opponents, your goal is to finish third or better over the course of 32 tracks.  The tracks have frequent turns, even a few hairpins.  Oil slicks, water, and barriers get in your way, as well as bombs and missiles from your opponents.  Upgrades (like better tires) are also strewn throughout the tracks, as well as temporary turbo strips and roll cages.  Play control is perfect and the sounds are all appropriate.  It’s an easy game to pick and play with a steady learning curve.

My main issue with the game is that once you reach a certain level, the pink car goes into hyperdrive, preventing first place as an option unless you successfully gun it down with missiles several times.  The other opponents also implement catch-up logic and become very difficult to beat as well.  I don’t think I’ve ever won this game without cheating (and by winning I mean starting back over at the beginning with no ending).

I’ve played the sequel briefly; I wasn’t wowed, but it’s certainly fine and probably worth a look if you enjoy this one.  I hear the multiplayer mode in the second game is horrendous.

Play With The Prose II, Challenge 10: Excuse

This week we had to come up with a 59-word story that involved someone making an excuse for someone else.

“I hate math!  I’ll never finish in time!” Jenny threw her notebook on the floor.

Bosco was smart. He didn’t know what Jenny said, but knew she was upset. Not at him, but at the paper.  When Jenny left, Bosco got an idea. He sniffed the paper, determined it was safe, and began chewing.  Jenny would be so proud!

MATTHEW: Awwww, Bosco! You good doggie. I like you and your story, so you would have won even if the dog hadn’t eaten Story 1. WINNER: #2

ANDY: Cute. Nice work getting the character of Jenny across in a short space, it works. And I chuckled. Instant win against a non-sub. I have a feeling this might have been good enough against real competition anyway.

Novak – #2 would have probably won anyway.  I was hoping for something like this, but the execution here is top-notch.

Result vs. Colin Woolston: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 6-4

Next Match-Up: Will Young (4-6)

My opponent didn’t show up this week, so it was a free win.  Glad the judges liked it besides!

23: Adventures of Lolo

Genre: Puzzle

Developer: HAL
Publisher: HAL
Year: 1989

Basic Idea: Make the Peruvian temple in Raiders of the Lost Ark seem like a playground.

Review:  I more or less described how this game works in my review of its sequels.  It’s a near-perfect puzzle game.  Sadly, they couldn’t help themselves but create one level late in the game that requires dexterity and perfect play control to beat.  I was able to do it, but only after twenty to thirty attempts.  Why it was dumped in a game that required virtually no hand-eye coordination at all is puzzling.  Still, Adventures of Lolo is as about as sure-fire you can get for puzzle lovers.

Play With The Prose II, Challenge 9: Joke

This week we had to tell a joke, or rewrite a joke.  Or something.  Not sure, really.  Anyway, I was contestant #1.

At the last bar in town it felt welcome, the string sat mournfully by the fire, nursing a beer.  It used to be that cheekily shouting “I’m a frayed knot!” would bring laughs, maybe a drink on the house.  Now its usefulness was gone.  After taking one final soak in its Heineken, the string flung itself into the fire.

MATTHEW: Aww. I like story 1! So much pathos for the brief life of a string. And that joke is one of my all-time favorites. But I’m going to give the edge in this week’s competition to folks who actually tried to tell or craft a joke, and that’s absolutely what happened in story 2. It was pretty good too! WINNER: #2

ANDY: I like both of these a lot. Very clever. I enjoyed the matter-of-fact punchline in the second one, so that’s my winner.

Novak – I can tell I’m going to love this challenge.  It might get old by the end, but I’m enjoying it now.  #1 turns in a nice story, and I like putting the joke in the middle for some reason.   I want to reward the creativity of #2, but in this case I feel like the writing is crisper in #1, so #1 wins.

Result vs. Ian Pratt: LOSS (1-2)

Current Record: 5-4

Next Match-Up: Colin Woolston (2-7)

I really dug the idea I came up with, but I’m not entirely sure it was executed as well as it could have been.  At least I lost to guy who has yet to lose to anyone this season.  Hopefully, I can get a rematch in the playoffs.  I’m now alone in 7th place, looking up at three people who are 6-3.