Television

Fictional TV Show Countdown

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I love exhaustive lists. There’s nothing more agonizing than doing a countdown like “Top 100 songs of all-time!” when you’ve literally only heard one millionth of one percent of all the songs of all-time. Obviously, I haven’t seen every TV show of all-time. But at least if I rank every show I’ve ever seen, it can be judged on its own merits. No one can come by and say, “How did you possibly rank Saved By The Bell ahead of The Wire?” Well, I’ve never seen The Wire. And you’ll know that because it ain’t on the list. Hopefully someday.

So this list will be comprised of every fictional TV show that I’ve seen enough of to feel comfortable ranking. Here are some examples of what won’t make the list:

1) Non-fiction Shows. Example: Late Night with Craig Ferguson
2) Game Shows. Example: Win Ben Stein’s Money
3) Shows I’ve seen a few episodes of but not enough to decide how I feel about it. Example: The X-Files

I’m finishing up the list, but it’s going to be somewhere between 90-100 I think. The wife and I binge-watch Netflix regularly, so there’s always a chance we find a show during the countdown I want to rank. In that case, I’ll squeeze it in if possible. See ya Monday with a really terrible show.

Sports

1999 St. Louis Rams

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I’m playing a football simulator called Second and Ten. I love sports history and I love sports statistics, so I enjoy replaying old seasons as the coach of various teams or dynasties. For example, I plan to play every season of Dan Marino’s career and will try to get him that Super Bowl. I’m also from Minnesota, so I plan to play every season of the Vikings and try to do the same. Whenever I finish a season, I will recap it here. However, since talking about video game scores is right up there with talking about your fantasy teams and your bad beats in poker, I’m going to do things a little differently. You, dear reader, will get to play along, Choose Your Own Adventure style. 

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Video Games

2. Phantom Train

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While escaping reality, Cyan and his moody friends come across the phantom train, which acts as the RPG version of Charon on the River Styx. Cyan decides it’s worth a shot to try and find his recently murdered family and plop a couple of phoenix downs on them while they’re still just mostly dead.

At first the train seems really creepy, what with all the ghosts implying that you’re never ever ever leaving.

FFVI: No Escape from the Doomtrain

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Video Games

5. Introduction

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I popped in Final Fantasy VI for the first time on Christmas Day, 1994. The Super Nintendo wasn’t entirely new to me, but I had played mostly Super Mario Kart, so I wasn’t prepared for the brilliant music and graphics that hit you during the introduction. And then, right when you’re settling in, you start to wonder. Is this girl with the green hair one of the good guys? Am I killing innocent people?

And your little dogs, too

It was exhilarating to have my expectations for a video game story flipped upside down. It’s not just that you are forced to kill innocent people; you absolutely destroy them with a strange power called Magitek that shoots elemental lasers from your body suit. Who are these bad guys I’m fighting for, and what power do they yield? Without much exposition, it sets up how bleak the situation is for whatever heroes you wind up playing as.

It all culminates with a boss battle against Whelk (aka Ymir), your first test in the game. Ultimately, he’s not very powerful, but you can make the battle much longer than it needs to be if you don’t plan your attack. Time your attack wrong and he’ll absorb your pesky lasers and come back with a powerful attack that nearly destroys your party. If I recall, I almost lost to him my first go round.

 

My mind was sufficiently blown, and I spent a good part of the next two years of my life married to Final Fantasy VI.