This we had to write a tall-tale in 59 words, using an existing or a new hero.

Mark loaded Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.  “My daddy says a long time ago, a man named Lance Flamebucket visited Native Americans.  Because of his lisp, they didn’t understand his teachings about property rights, but were mesmerized by his sparkly diamond jewelry.”

Ricky grabbed his controller. “And that’s why Indians like beads and trinkets?”

“Yup,” Mark replied.  “And casinos!”

MATTHEW: Huh. I don’t know, Story 2, that felt kind of weak. I can kind of see a couple of kids having this conversation, but it didn’t really formulate a nice, compact fable or tall tale like Story 1 did.  WINNER: #1

ANDY: These both employ a healthy dose of quirky humor, which I enjoyed a lot. They both give us a nice window into the wonderful inanity that kids make up or mishear. I think #2 was a little clearer and straightforward in its execution, so I’m giving it the narrow win. #2.

Novak – #2 is quite imaginative.  I’m not quite sure what the video gaming has to do with anything though.  Lot of words wasted on the game title…

Result vs. Sarah Johnson: LOSS (1-2)

Current Record: 9-5

Next Match-Up: Kelly Wells (8-6)

The reason I used the video game I did was that I wanted to point out the contrast of this kid’s father, who is racist and homophobic, with allowing his sons to play one of the most inappropriate games on the market for a child to play.  Still, it was awkward, and probably not necessary.  Not my best effort.

One week to go!  I can make the playoffs if I beat Kelly.  If I lose, I can still make it if someone else loses.

Our job this week was to write a 59-word story that involved a gun being fired.

Meldon brought over his revolver, the lovable bastard.  Seeing his war buddy was almost enough to change Jack’s mind. But not after another painful manhandling, courtesy of his nurse’s aide.  Life couldn’t go on, not like this.

“Jessica?”  His aide turned, smiled, then dropped like a ton of bricks.

“One down,” Jack said, wheeling out of his room.

MATTHEW: Story 2, though, had more going for it from a story standpoint. Just…not a whole lot. Maybe it was the “One down” at the end, but the story felt too callous for me to really allow me to empathize fully with Jack’s decision. Still, it WAS more of a story. I think that just allows it to edge out the first one. Juuuuust barely. WINNER: #2

Novak –  #2 is, in it’s own disturbing way, fun.  Old folks getting even?  Showing they can take care of themselves, so to speak?  Yeah, that means #2 is a win in my book.

ANDY: Sorry, #2, but I guess I’m looking for something a little more than just a straightforward disgruntled guy shooting people. Winner to #1 for the nice effort at creativity.

I think this might be my weakest effort of the season.  I was going for dark comedy, especially since we don’t know Jack’s motivations for killing perfectly innocent nursing home employees.  I do like how he duped Meldon into thinking the gun was for suicide, but it still doesn’t completely come together for me.  Thankfully, my opponent decided to go for a far-reaching, complex pun and it didn’t quite hit with two of the judges.

Result vs. Erik Sundberg: WIN (2-1)

Current Record: 9-4

Next Match-Up: Sarah Johnson (9-4)

I’m now in a three-way tie for second place with two weeks to go, but still have not secured a playoff spot.  Beating Sarah will not only assure a playoff spot, but give me the chance to get a first-round bye.  If I lose to her, the best I can hope for is third place.

This week we had to write a 59-word story with a character that didn’t speak any English.

Mandi gave it her best, moaning and writhing at the appropriate moments.  She was nervous.  It was her first porn scene, and without a good performance in Sweden, she’d never make big money in L.A.  Her partner was a veteran, but she took the lead.  “Talk dirty to me!” Mandi panted.

“Yorn desh born de umn bork! bork! bork!”

MATTHEW: Oh man, story 2. Nice little set-up there. I didn’t see any of it coming, no pun intended. I wasn’t blown away by either story, but #1 had more interesting stuff going for it. WINNER: #1

ANDY: Nice job, you two. I really enjoyed both. This is going to be another tough one. I mean really, how do compare drama and comedy. I was going to give the win to #1, who really painted a nice scene and gave us a neat, compact story. But I can’t stop laughing at the Swedish Chef in a porno. Sorry. Winner: #2.

Novak – #2 got me laughing pretty  Playing to me with the Muppets there… I even read it out loud to my wife (who can resist a chance to do the Swedish Chef voice?).  It’s solid comedy.  #2 wins.

Result vs. Pete Bruzek: WIN (2-1)

Current Record: 8-4

Next Match-Up: Erik S (8-4)

So I had several ideas that I tossed around and none of them worked.  So my wife says, “How about the Swedish Chef?”  And I reply, “How about the Swedish Porn Chef?”  I couldn’t resist, and it looks like a couple of the judges couldn’t either.

I’m tied with two others for third place, but there are three more just one win behind, so no resting on my laurels.

So, this week our challenge was to write a 59-word story about a mall Santa.  I misread the prompt and wrote a story about the mythical Santa.  Let’s see what happened.

Leaving Old Country Buffet, Santa continued his search for an heir.  Many a naughty girl had received the gift of his jolly seed, but the offspring refused to come north when they became of age.  Where could he find a woman willing to send her child away, never to return?  Passing an Army recruiting office, he got an idea.

MATTHEW: Both of you should be disgusted with yourselves. In the best way. What tips this one for me is the fact that at this point, neither story is all that surprising, despite the inherent surprise behind a complaining Santa and a lecherous Santa…except for the addition of the Army recruiting office at the end of Story 2. I don’t know exactly where it’d go from there, but I like the possibilities. WINNER: #2

Novak –  #2 is a funny dilemma.  Heck, it’s just funny (OCB, etc.).  And I’m glad there’s some semblance of resolution too, as it would have fallen short without that.  #2 wins.

ANDY: Oooh, tough one. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long to get a “naughty Santa” story. I get the sense that the Santa in #2 is the real Santa, and not a department store Santa. Does he just think he’s the real Santa? . I think I’m going to give this one to #2 in a close call.

Result vs. Will Young: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 7-4

Next Match-Up: Pete Bruzek (2-9)

So, my horny and lonely Santa turned into a rapist Santa when he’s interpreted to be a mall Santa. Either way, it was well received.  Not my favorite entry of the year, but I felt the gags worked just enough.  As of this writing, I would be in the playoffs if the season ended today.  Four weeks left, with the final three being against contestants in 1st, 3rd, and 7th place, so it’s crunch-time.

This week we had to come up with a 59-word story that involved someone making an excuse for someone else.

“I hate math!  I’ll never finish in time!” Jenny threw her notebook on the floor.

Bosco was smart. He didn’t know what Jenny said, but knew she was upset. Not at him, but at the paper.  When Jenny left, Bosco got an idea. He sniffed the paper, determined it was safe, and began chewing.  Jenny would be so proud!

MATTHEW: Awwww, Bosco! You good doggie. I like you and your story, so you would have won even if the dog hadn’t eaten Story 1. WINNER: #2

ANDY: Cute. Nice work getting the character of Jenny across in a short space, it works. And I chuckled. Instant win against a non-sub. I have a feeling this might have been good enough against real competition anyway.

Novak – #2 would have probably won anyway.  I was hoping for something like this, but the execution here is top-notch.

Result vs. Colin Woolston: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 6-4

Next Match-Up: Will Young (4-6)

My opponent didn’t show up this week, so it was a free win.  Glad the judges liked it besides!

This week we had to tell a joke, or rewrite a joke.  Or something.  Not sure, really.  Anyway, I was contestant #1.

At the last bar in town it felt welcome, the string sat mournfully by the fire, nursing a beer.  It used to be that cheekily shouting “I’m a frayed knot!” would bring laughs, maybe a drink on the house.  Now its usefulness was gone.  After taking one final soak in its Heineken, the string flung itself into the fire.

MATTHEW: Aww. I like story 1! So much pathos for the brief life of a string. And that joke is one of my all-time favorites. But I’m going to give the edge in this week’s competition to folks who actually tried to tell or craft a joke, and that’s absolutely what happened in story 2. It was pretty good too! WINNER: #2

ANDY: I like both of these a lot. Very clever. I enjoyed the matter-of-fact punchline in the second one, so that’s my winner.

Novak – I can tell I’m going to love this challenge.  It might get old by the end, but I’m enjoying it now.  #1 turns in a nice story, and I like putting the joke in the middle for some reason.   I want to reward the creativity of #2, but in this case I feel like the writing is crisper in #1, so #1 wins.

Result vs. Ian Pratt: LOSS (1-2)

Current Record: 5-4

Next Match-Up: Colin Woolston (2-7)

I really dug the idea I came up with, but I’m not entirely sure it was executed as well as it could have been.  At least I lost to guy who has yet to lose to anyone this season.  Hopefully, I can get a rematch in the playoffs.  I’m now alone in 7th place, looking up at three people who are 6-3.

This week our main character in 59 words had to diffuse a crisis of some sorts.  This week I was contestant #2.

The sun was blackening. His brethren were banging on pots and drums to scare away the dragon. Yang Tsen knew better. His family long held the responsibility of protecting Chengdu and he could think of no greater honor. He handed his katana to his eldest son, kneeled, and awaited his glorious sacrifice. The sun would live another generation.

MATHEW: Story 2 borders on the epic, and it’s really effective storytelling for 59 words. WINNER: #2

Novak – #2 is fantastic. Especially the double entendre in the last line. Ultimate sacrifice, cool fantasy setting… I feel like I haven’t been rewarding these enough this season, since I usually love ‘em, so I’m glad to give #2 the nod this time.

ANDY: #2 is my favorite piece this week, and one of my favorites of the whole competition. Everything is working for me here: setting, voice, character, language, originality. The story is very nicely contained within the word limit as well. I loved it. Easy choice for #2.

Result vs. AMR: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 5-3

Next Match-Up: Ian Pratt (7-1)

For those who aren’t familiar with ancient Chinese history, many apparently believed solar eclipses were the result of a dragon trying to eat the sun.  Yang means “sun” and Tsen means “man of sacrifice.”  It was unintentional that I had a pun in the last line, but I like it all the same.  It wasn’t until later that I realized that katanas are Japanese weapons, and didn’t even exist until the last millennium.  Thankfully, that gaffe didn’t seem to bother the judges.

So, another sweep and a four-week winning streak after starting the season slowly.  I’m still tied in a logjam for the final playoff spot.  Now I have to somehow become the first person to beat Ian (his only loss was a week where he didn’t submit an entry).

With a chance to have a winning record for the first time, I was tasked to write a 59-word story that took place before, during, or after a rock concert.  This week, I was contestant #2.

“You lied to me.”

“You would have said…”

“No?  Maybe.  I might have said yes.”

“We paid seventy-five dollars!  Now what?”

“Stubhub?”

“This is so unfair!” Sofie ran upstairs.

He sighed. There’d be no Halestorm tonight. Hailstorm, maybe.  He wondered if he was a good father.

“I hate you!” she yelled, slamming her door.

He loved her like crazy.

MATTHEW: Now, I really liked BOTH of these. Nicely built and delivered stories, believable situations, and kept me interested throughout. I have to say, though, the last line of story 2 just killed me. Really drives home the bad-guy parent doing what he has to do, even when it hurts. WINNER: #2

Novak – #1 does a good job of setting a scene and getting into character motivation, but there’s no much conflict to speak of.  Petty for 59 words, but when it’s up against the ultimate conflict in #2, that kind of matters.  #2 is another great approach to this challenge.  I’m impressed by the topic.  A bit heavy handed with the “wondering if he was a good father” but you had to get that point across somewhere, I suppose.  One of my favorites this week.  #2 wins.

ANDY: Neither of these really captured me like I would have hoped. #1 just isn’t an original enough idea for me. #2 is slightly more original, but didn’t quite bring me all of the way there. Again, as I stated in an earlier critique, I think I was looking for something a little edgier this week. I enjoyed #2 a bit more and that’s my winner tonight.

Result vs. Dean Carlson: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 4-3

Next Match-Up: AMR (4-3)

I have never been a rock concert before, so I figured I’d be better off writing from a position I’m more likely to be in the future (having a kid go to one).  This one had a huge rewrite as it was all dialogue at first.

Right now I’m in a massive tie for the final playoff spot.  No time to rest!

Our 59-word story this week had to include an apology.  I was contestant #1.

I was the only one who could stay, though I’m not entirely sure how.  I guess it’s hard to leave when you have something to say.  Besides, the accident was my fault.

As the vet injected the solution, I couldn’t say it.  She was looking right at me.  I scratched behind her ears.  I just hope she understood.

MATTHEW: Of course, euthanasia. I’m surprised this didn’t come up sooner. Even the second story was in a sense, a mercy killing, even if that’s just a confused person’s brain deciding so. I have to fault story 2 just a little for the pat exposition at the beginning, though. It makes the simple set-up of story 1 feel all the more well executed. WINNER: #1

Novak – Is there a reason you compilers hate us judges and leave us with such depressing entries every time?  Is there a reason you writers are so damned brilliantly dark?  I’m not a pet person, but #1 is tugging on strings I didn’t even know I had.  #2 takes a terrible, terrible tragedy and gives us a humanizing perspective when that’s the last thing we could ever want.  Wow.  It took to the end this week, but I’ve found my “Close Call.”  The subtext of #1 is a bit stronger, so it’s enough to take the match-up.  Good job both.

ANDY: It was a strong showing #2, but I felt like you may have laid it on a bit thick at the end. But it was a strong effort. I felt more emotionally connected to #1’s story. I was right there, and it worked. That’s my winner.

Result vs. Zack Sauvageau: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 3-3

Next Match-Up: Dean Carlson (3-3)

This time we had to write a 59 word story about a jerk.  I went as literal as I could possibly get.  I was contestant #1 this week.

THEJERK attacks!  STUDJAKE loses 18 hit points.

STUDJAKE: Dude, WTF?!?

JAKESGIRL♥ casts cure!  STUDJAKEregains 18 hit points.

THEJERK: You assigned me.

STUDJAKE: Not to kill me!

THEJERK: …

JAKESGIRL♥: Remember, he becomes a Paladin at level 20.

STUDJAKE: Why are you defending him?

JAKESGIRL♥: Um, Jake?

JAKESGIRL♥ looks down, rubs her belly.

JAKESGIRL♥: There’s something you should know…

MATTHEW: Oh, such jerks! It’s nice that the Jerk in story 1 was labeled thus. Otherwise, I might think JAKESGIRLHEART was the jerk here in that she was feigning pregnancy in order to maintain a relationship with STUDJAKE. But the real reason he’s a JERK is even more jerky. And hey, I love pizza like any other human with a soul, but I can’t see leftover pizza being the cause of such strife. Fresh pizza, sure. WINNER: #1

Novak – These are both very fun.  #1 is a very creative approach, which I want toreward greatly.  #2 is a highly effective bait’n’switch.  This time, creativity wins out for me.  #1 wins.

ANDY: Great idea, #1, and it’s well executed to boot. That’s right… to boot. You’ve found a fellow nerd in this judge, and that helps. As for #2, sometimes these “twist in the end” joke stories work really well, sometimes they fall a bit flat. Sorry, #2, but this one falls closer to the latter for me. A more subtle reveal may have worked better. Winner: #1.

Result vs. Erik Dikken: WIN (3-0)

Current Record: 2-3

Next Match-Up: Zack Sauvageau (0-5)

I originally wanted the joke of my story to be that Jake was playing an RPG, had named the female love interest MYJENNY (presumably after someone he liked in real life), and that he was distraught when a video game jerk stole his video game girl by coincidence of the game’s script.  However, that would have needed more words and still may have been confusing.  So I went with a plausible conversation during a D&D or MMORPG game.  It’s not my best work, but it’s as polished as I could make it.