Writing

The Buck Stops Here

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My list inspiration fizzled this weekend, so for this week anyway you get to sample some of my poetry. Don’t worry, this is not the angsty high-school stuff; I’m shielding everyone–even myself–from that. Thankfully, I had some fun ones, especially during undergrad. You’ll notice I enjoy antrhopomorphizing animals.

One day I was driving, down highway sixty one
When I ran over a squirrel, who was blinded by the sun

I blamed the sun for squirrel’s death
It was too bright for him
But the sun said my apologies
I’m burning hydrogen

So I blamed Lee Iacocca
For building shitty cars
But he said roads will have them
Until we settle Mars

So I blamed the squirrel’s parents
For him not learning how to cross
But they said humans built the roads
It’s your fault for our loss

So I blamed God for squirrel’s death
For He’s kept humans thriving
And when He did not respond
I smiled and kept on driving

I passed the buck, and now content, with the squirrel dying
I got home, out of my car, and then was struck by lightning

PC Games

Leisure Suit Larry 5: Passionate Patti Does A Little Undercover Work

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Year: 1991
Designer: Al Lowe

One can sum everything up by stating Larry 4 was by far the superior game.

Leisure Suit Larry 5 is the most abominable commercialized computer game ever, though I admit I have not played Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude. Al Lowe hated the latter and went out of his way to make sure people knew he had no role in its design. For some reason he hasn’t apologized for this game yet.

The “new and improved” graphics are so wretched that after five minutes you’ll find yourself wishing you were staring directly into the sun. The music will make you want to go listen to a middle-school band performance. The point-and-click interface is only there to give you tendinitis. The puzzles are insultingly easy, the worst of them having you get into a wrestling ring where you must grab as many female private parts as you can; it’s like whack-a-mole, only less arousing. The great news is you can skip several of the puzzles if you feel like three hours is too long for an adventure game. The plot is more thread-bare than the women Larry meets. Nearly every joke falls flat. There is not one redeeming quality in this entire game.

Play it only to see how low Sierra sunk in the early 90’s.

PC Games

Space Quest IV: Roger Wilco And The Time Rippers

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Publisher: Sierra
Developer: Sierra
Year: 1991
Platform: DOS, Windows, Mac, Amiga, PC-98

Rating: 1

One one would think that taking a previously hilarious science fiction character and throwing him into a time travel story would be the easiest formula for success, but Space Quest IV is one of the laziest adventure games I have ever played, putting me to sleep even with a walkthrough at hand.

Roger Wilco, per usual, is gloating about his success in the previous Space Quest games when he’s captured by Vohaul’s goons. At the last minute, he’s saved by some mysterious men and zapped headlong into Space Quest XII, in the middle of his now desolate home planet. After figuring out where he is, Roger must thwart events happening in the future (a la Marty and Doc), save his own skin, and get back to his own time. All along, he’ll be traveling to other Space Quest games to do so, trying to avoid Vohaul’s police force.

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Sadly, most of what happens during the game feels more like it belongs to Leisure Suit Larry’s universe than Roger’s (including an over the top narrator). Very few of the game’s puzzles relate to science fiction, and are often tacky and obtuse (which also describes the graphics), including some unbelievably boring arcade games (e.g. making burgers!). Worse yet, many of the puzzles require extensive backtracking; I think I spent more time walking from one place to another than I did interacting with the game world. The only interesting diversion is a trip to Ulence Flats from Space Quest 1, but this excursion lasts only a few short minutes.

When Sierra updated their engines for point’n’click play, their games in every one of their long-standing series temporarily suffered (even Police Quest 3, which I enjoyed). It was as if the designers and producers spent so much time playing with their new toy that they forgot what made their games great in the first place.  Many people consider this their favorite game in the series and one of the best adventure games ever made. Usually when I hate a game, like with Broken Sword or Syberia, I understand why people would love it. With Space Quest IV, I’m left utterly baffled.  

PC Games

King’s Quest VII: The Princeless Bride

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Publisher: Sierra
Developer: Sierra
Year: 1994
Platform: DOS, Windows, Mac

Rating: 1

Inigo Montoya: Do you hear that Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering.

Fezzik: From what?

Inigo Montoya: People playing “The Princeless Bride.”

Vizzini: Inconceivable!

While I adapted to the four-icon point’n’click style of adventure gaming, I longed for a change that was more intuitive while remaining challenging (much like the LucasArts catalogue). Well, once again Roberta Williams ushered in a new style of gaming with the single icon. The fucking thing lights up whenever you run the mouse over something important, removing virtually all the challenge and turning the game into an interactive movie. Since KQ7, some developers have been able to utilize a single icon and still make engrossing, challenging games. Not surprisingly, Roberta Williams failed spectacularly. Not surprisingly, the story is insipid.

Valanice is quite perturbed with her only daughter because Rosella has decided that marrying handsome hunks on the drop of a hat like her mother was so last plot line. Valanice taunts her daughter with stories of blind matronly love, while Rosella covers her ears and yells “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” But her mother does not comply, which drives Rosella to dive into an obviously dangerous whirlpool, most likely to commit suicide. Valanice, determined to bring back her daughter to the sophisticated world, dives in after her. Unfortunately for her, she gets dumped off in a desert, far away from the place Rosella winds up bemoaning, over and over and over, her new troll status.

Amazingly, the plot actually develops in this game.  Chapter by chapter, the player learns more objectives while maneuvering plot twists. It’s a shame that the material therein is a conglomeration of all the crap that’s ever been put into a computer game. The graphics consist of a poorly defined cartoon world with characters that are generally unpleasant to look at. Not only that, every sentient being is caricaturized to the point of skin-crawling pain, making the game devoid of the minimum amount of pathos necessary to give a shit. Puzzles range from incredibly easy to incredibly nauseating. There are even walking dead scenarios, which is ridiculous in a game that is otherwise insultingly easy. As for the sound, well, nothing memorable.

There are exactly three points during this game where I enjoyed myself:

1) The introduction, where Rosella tells her mother to bugger off.
2) The ending, and not just because the game was over.
3) The raven who spouts countless degrading insults at both Rosella and Valanice. I used some of them myself.

I was grateful the series was over after this game. Yes, there was a 3D action game that came a few years later utilizing the King’s Quest name, but the series death was already established.

PC Games

King’s Quest II: Romancing The Throne

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Publisher: Sierra
Developer: Sierra
Year: 1985
Platform: DOS, Mac, Apple II, Amiga, Atari ST, PC Booter

Second verse, same as the first. Only worse. King’s Quest II falls right into the “Hurry up and write a sequel by next Christmas” genre.

The only technical aspect improved upon from 1984’s King’s Quest is the brighter hues the time’s best 16 color RGB monitors could display. Otherwise, there is nothing particularly fascinating to gaze upon, except those highly accentuated items that no adventurer can resist taking, even if it is private property.

You are King Graham of Daventry, lonely, horny, and in need of a fair maiden to quench the fire in your loins. After many months of turning down every wench not suitable to your fine tastes, you yield to desperation and ask your trusty magic mirror to be your pimp. Thankfully, your mirror succeeds in finding you a delectable young morsel. Alas! She is locked inside of a castle by an obviously non-sentient being, likely using her only for selfish, unseemly acts of nature. While Graham begins fantasizing about his future quest, and pondering exactly how in God’s name he shall find this formidable castle, his body goes poof and rematerializes in a far away land. Now, you may ask, is this the land where the castle is erected? Of course not. Graham has been transported to a land where he must first hone his fine adventuring skills, finding three keys of various colors to unlock the doors necessary to reach the land where he can lay claim to the woman that will surely melt under the charisma bestowed within every member of the royalty of Daventry.

While the plot for Romancing the Throne is a little tighter than that of its predecessor, the ideas therein are rather humdrum. Most puzzles are of the lock & key variety, and are for the most part highly contrived. Several times, one puzzle cannot be completed until another one has, even though they bear no relation to one another. Like the first game, there are points to be won that are not necessary for the game’s completion; however, these extra points generally are rewarded for solving puzzles in a particular order (irrelevant to the game’s plot), or by disposing of enemies that may or may not present themselves depending on random events. And just like the first game in the series, there are more random enemies that make the PC speaker go berserk and test the integrity of your digestive system.

The one merit this game beholds is some sporadic humor. Look out for Batman and a plug for Space Quest. However, when the Easter eggs are more entertaining than the game itself, you have an idea of what you’re getting into. If you enjoyed King’s Quest: Quest for the Crown, you may enjoy the sequel. But Romancing The Throne has nothing to offer for most adventure gamers. Its saving grace is that it is probably the easiest of all the King’s Quest games, and can be won in less than a week by even the average adventurer.

PC Games

King’s Quest V: Absence Makes The Heart Go Yonder!

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Publisher: Sierra
Developer: Sierra
Year: 1990
Platform: DOS, Windows, Amiga, Mac, NES, FM Towns, PC-98

Possibly the first big-name adventure game to be on CD-ROM and completely eschew the need to use the keyboard, King’s Quest V spends way too much time focusing on its shiny new features, leaving the actual game to suffer immensely.

After a leisurely walk through Daventry, Graham returns home just in time to see the castle vanish before his eyes. A nearby owl–a talking one, natch–reinforces Graham’s despair by recounting the details of the tragedy. He then sends the king to go see the local benevolent wizard. A lengthy dialogue ensues where the Good wizard tells Graham that a Bad wizard (who is related to Mannanan from King’s Quest III), is out for revenge against the royal family. The Good wizard gives Graham the wand necessary to destroy the Bad wizard, and more or less leaves Graham to his own adventuring wits, which he will need to get anywhere near the Bad wizard. While the plot does help tie the series together a bit, it is in true Sierra fashion detailed in full before the player even touches the mouse. Seriously, there is virtually no plot development the entire game.

The point-and-click interface dumbs down play to merely finding the correct pixel or combining the right inventory items together. While this does relieve the player of parser ignorance, and the dreaded “You can’t do that” messages, many of the puzzles in KQ5 require inane logic, forcing the player to randomly click until the solution is found. Pixel-hunting creates even more “You are a pathetic imbecile” responses than ever, and solving puzzles by accident isn’t exactly satisfying.

The one thing this game does get right is the implementation of all the pretty features. The graphics are excellent, and were simply amazing in 1990 to those who were used to sixteen color games. The voice acting is mostly pleasant; however, whoever’s idea it was to create Cedric, Graham’s sidekick owl, should be given a medal by Satan, as I’m sure he uses Cedric to torture the damned.   Cedric follows Graham practically everywhere, is rarely helpful, and when he would be helpful, he is nowhere to be found. And if you want an idea as to what he sounds like, think of Jar-Jar Binks, only condescending.

But what really gives the game a black mark is the cruelest walking dead situation in history. While Leisure Suit Larry 2 had several cruel walking dead scenarios, they were aggravatingly funny in an Andy Kaufman sort of way. Not only is the situation here not funny, it is one working channel and there’s a marathon of King of Queens cruel. Either that, or an honest mistake that the shittiest beta-testers in history missed. There’s a spot in the game where a mouse is being chased by a cat. You must save this mouse by throwing a boot at said cat. Then, later in the game, the mouse will save you from an otherwise lethal predicament. But this event ONLY HAPPENS ONCE, and it happens so fast that if you turned away from the your computer for a few seconds, you would never know it happened! And if you don’t figure it out then, it isn’t even obvious later that you would need a mouse to save you. I know walking dead situations occur in nearly every adventure game before 1995 (heck, there’s even more in this game), but this one pissed me off more than any other. Having Cedric taunting me probably wasn’t helping.

Take all of the above annoyances and leave the player with a cliched and suddenly insultingly easy endgame, and you have a game you couldn’t pay me to play again.

PC Games

The Five Worst Games Made by Sierra

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Sierra had 17 games make my top 50 adventure game countdown, so I certainly don’t harbor any negative feelings towards the company. They’re not LJN. But every once in a while they would produce a title that was offensive to the sensibilities of the even the most patient gamer. With that said, I know there are ardent fans of the five games that will be highlighted this week. If you’re one of them, by all means defend the hell out of it.

I have not played every game made by Sierra, though I have played most of them. For reference, I have not played any of the pre-King’s Quest games such as Mystery House or The Dark Crystal, and I have no desire to rip into the games Roberta Williams made in her basement, even if they are bad. I also have missed most of the Quest for Glory, Conquest, Shivers, and EcoQuest series as well as a smattering of other games. I’m sure Space Quest VI: Roger Wilco in the Spinal Frontier would make the list, but the opening is so awful I have never been able to push my way through it.

I can’t say these will be as enjoyable as Roger Ebert’s scathing reviews of the worst movies, but I’ll do my best. See you tomorrow for some awfulness.

Television

Best Moments of Cheers: 2, 1

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2. Diane Chooses Sam Malone Over Derek Malone

Episode: Showdown, Part 2 (1×23)

Probably Cheers’ most iconic scene. Sam’s brother Derek, who is perfect and dwarfs Sam, the professional baseball player, in stature and status. He visits the bar and sweeps everyone, including Diane, off their feet. Funny enough, we never actually see him because he’s always lost in the crowd.

Over half of this episode is the blowout fight between Sam and Diane. I cut it down to the last few minutes. It’s witty, it’s funny, and an all-time classic sitcom moment.

1. Diane’s Painting

Episode: I’ll Be Seeing You, Part 2 (2×22)

After a season of dating, Diane and Sam’s relationship comes to a head when Diane commissions an eccentric painter (Christopher Lloyd) to do a portrait of her. Sam loathes the guy and forbids Diane to see him. Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Diane brings the painting to Sam and he flips out. Diane comes back with one of the sharpest insults I’ve ever heard.

And then the end to season two, one of the saddest moments of the entire series.

Television

Best Moments of Cheers: 4, 3

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4. An Intelligent Woman Would See Through Sam’s BS

Episode: Sam’s Women (1×02)

If the first episode didn’t get people hooked on the show, the second one should have. Diane spends several days dismissing the women Sam dates as brainless, insulting him and his way of life. For the first time in the series, they trade barbs, with Diane seemingly laying the knockout punch.

But little does she know that Mayday has something left in the tank.

3. Coach Forbids His Daughter To Marry

Episode: Coach’s Daughter (1×05)

Did I mention how awesome the first season is? We meet Coach’s daughter, who is engaged to a misogynistic, obnoxious, despicable suit salesman. He wants to respect her wishes, but as he learns more and more about his future son-in-law, he can’t take it anymore and pulls her into Sam’s office. If you’re a guy and don’t spill waterworks watching this, get some therapy pronto.

BONUS Clip: The Best Opening Teaser

Episode: What Is Cliff Clavin? (8×14)

Television

Best Moments of Cheers: 6, 5

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6. The End

Episode: One for the Road (11×25)

The final season of Cheers wasn’t awful, but I wasn’t all that sad to see it go, and I was just thirteen years old. Lilith was gone, Frasier had lost something of his character (and slept with Rebecca!). Many of the plots seems to outdo themselves with the bar burning down, Sam going to sex therapy, and Woody running for city council. It was time.

Diane came back, of course. Carla’s utter hatred for her was over the top and particularly annoying in this episode. Sam proposes to Diane a fifth time, and this time she says yes. Thankfully, they come to their senses and Diane leaves again. The final episode definitely drags on as everything else ties up into a pretty bow (Woody gets elected, Rebecca gets engaged to the plumber, Cliff gets promoted, Norm gets a job), but the final scene is pretty solid. The primary gang is all there, shooting the shit. They have some armchair philosophy discussions, and it’s mostly a feel-good moment for everyone involved.

Some complained about the ending, but I thought the last few minutes were a perfect way to sign off.

5. Dr. Crane, meet Dr. Sternen

Episode: Abnormal Psychology (5×04)

With Diane’s character getting stale, Carla always being pointless, and the up and coming Rebecca being mostly obnoxious, Lilith joining the cast was exactly what the show needed. I never really bought Frasier and Diane as a couple, but Lilith was perfect for him. In fact, I believe her presence helped mold the character of Frasier Crane into what he became on the spin-off.

This scene, their meet-up at the bar after playing footsie with each other on live television, always make me grin from ear to ear.